Beware, C-League Intramural softball teams! For you lie in the crosshairs of the heartiest hurler since Mordechai “Three-Finger” Brown! His career started in nineteen hundred seventy six, as a mustachioed Salvador Dali-wannabe with his patented postmodern slider (upper left). The ball would travel midway to the plate, stop, question its own existence, and then commit suicide. Strike one, sir, strike one. His career went downhill from there, although he made a comeback in the 2001 Little League World Series (upper right), leading a group of adorably ethnic Bronx all-stars to the finals. Unfortunately, all the games were later forfeited, as Roth was actually 46 at the time. Today, inspired by David Wells’s perfect game, Roth has ballooned to 278 pounds and drinks a keg before every game (right). Also, he never plays on Yom Kippur.