Howdy thesis writers! I just spent the last few hours with you fine folks following the submission of your theses, submerging myself in the seedy underworld of undergraduate academic excellence. Now, getting crunked up with people that have just turned in their theses is a lot like how I imagine partying in America was like immediately after the repeal of Prohibition: all the cool people had spent the last few years getting all hopped up on giggle water at the speakeasies around West Egg, but now all those law-abiding over-achieving large-front-wheel-bicycle-riders from the Women’s Christian Temperance Union are drinking too. It kind of makes you feel a little uncomfortable, especially when all the thesis writers keep talking about how turning in a thesis is very similar to giving birth to a child. But whatever, writing some 117-page paper about discrimination against gypsies in Northern Ireland in the 1870s that only three people will ever read is totally similar to creating human life.
Anyways, while you spend your time getting acclimated to the real world and readjusting to sunlight and human interaction, here’s a handy list of what you can do with your suddenly-emancipated free time.
1) Write another thesis. You think you solved all the world’s problems by regurgitating a bunch of other people’s ideas about eating disorders in rural Cameroon? Christ, what about those skinny girls in rural Azerbaijan! Who will speak for them?!
2) Get that Puzz 3-D going up! That Taj Mahal’s not going to build itself.
3) Pay your taxes. See that date in the upper right corner of this page? That’s not a joke.
4) Take, like, five minutes, and commit that damn superdelegate vote. Come on, man, it’s fucking April.
5) Bathe. Seriously. Spending nine months alone in a closet in Olin doesn’t do wonders for your scent.
6) Shave. Unless you’re churning butter and raising a barn, it’s time to lose the beard, Hezekiah.
7) Refuse to give up your seat on a bus. It’s time we all take a stand… by not standing.
8) Become a bar mitzvah. Now that you’re a man in the eyes of John Wesley, it’s time to become a man in the eyes of God. Plus, it’s so much cooler than being confirmed.
9) Take care of that pesky gangrene on your leg that’s been bothering you for the past few months.