Dear Timmy,

I would like to cordially not invite you to my 7th Birthday Bash featuring both Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana. My mother says I have to invite you because I am inviting everyone else in our class, but I don’t want you there. Look Tim, don’t take this the wrong way, but you smell like my pee after I eat asparagus. Plus you get sweaty like all the time. It’s obvious that you are currently rebelling against personal hygiene. Those clothes you wear are not the one’s your mother lays out for you. Who wears snow pants in May? I just can’t have you wearing a big puffy Starter jacket while you are in the ballroom at the DZ. People were laughing at you, not with you, because of the soccer cleats on the moon bounce incident at Jimmy’s party.

This should probably come as no surprise to you. I didn’t give you a Valentine’s Day card. To be honest you’re not even worth my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle “You’re a Great Friend” Valentine’s Day card (you know, the one’s I gave to all the girls with cooties).

If you don’t come it totally will not be weird. You don’t have to tell me “Happy Birthday” in class and I promise we will not talk about all the ice cream cake we ate. No one will actually get enough tickets to buy the Super Nintendo. Just stay at home and never look at me again.

From,

Your Twin

P.S. You better not tattle on me. My mom says I have to be nice to you because you have AIDS and your parents haven’t told you. That’s why you broke the school record for most vomits/ wood chips used in a single semester. I hope your parents tell you before you get this letter.