Broccoli: There are certain undeniable truths in life. When I take a step in my LA Gears, I know that they will light up. When I kiss a girl, I know that it means I’m gay. And when I eat broccoli, I know that it will taste like doody. And I don’t even mean doody in the casual, eat-your-dog’s-doody-off-your-carpet-because-you-think-it’s-chocolate doody. I mean really gross doody. Doody that is doody, and is not apologizing for it. Doody Howser, M.D. doody. That’s what broccoli tastes like. It’s a little tree. A little doody tree. Why the fuck do I wanna eat a fucking little doody tree? And the fact that our school serves this vile weed during lunch, alongside those sweet plastic barrels of juice and chicken fingers, is something I can no longer stand for. The broccoli hegemony over my Styrofoam lunch tray must end, and it must end now!
Constantly Getting Checked for Things: Hearing checks? Eyesight exams? Scoliosis? What am I, a fucking idiot? You think if I was blind, deaf, and couldn’t walk, I just wouldn’t have taken the time to tell anyone? Why yes, nurse with no college degree and a unibrow, you’re completely right, I suck at school because my back is slightly crooked and I don’t raise my right hand when a eunuch sings falsetto in my ear.
Homework: As we all know, school is where bad things are: long division, walking in line, asbestos. Home, on the other hand, is where good things are: Sega, cookies, the fact that you don’t have to wear shoes. But there’s something that breaks through that barrier between home and school, spreading the evils from the schoolhouse to the sanctity of the home: homework. “Home” AND “work?” Are you kidding me? Those words don’t go together at all. That’s like “Biggie” and “Smalls,” or “penis” and “vagina,” or “my father” and “un-molester.” They just don’t go together. And homework is the most egregious offender of all. Let us cast off the shackles of homework, let us undo the laces of oppression, and replace them with the snug-fitting Velcro of freedom.
South Africa: Here we are, in the complacency and comfort of middle America in the late 20th century, and the grim reality of apartheid still oppresses and enslaves the people of South Africa. This is a crime that we cannot turn our backs on. The blood of all those who have lost their lives fighting for freedom in South Africa is on our hands. If we stand idly by while this evil is perpetrated against a once vibrant people for another generation, we will not be able to forgive ourselves. Our time to act is now. Also, there are all these gross bugs in South Africa, and bugs are yucky!!!