Due to the recent rash of on-campus muggings, many students have felt their safety encroached upon by a 6’1” black guy and a 5’9” white or Hispanic guy. Wesleyan, being the proactive campus it is, has decided to take matters into its own hands. This will be the first student-run justice initiative since the Butterfield Posse of 1973, which rode several shady outlaws out of town after tar and feathering them.
“Really, it’s getting to the point where we have to take the law into our own hands. You definitely feel the effect more with this than some sort of vague protest asking us to stop or start caring or dealing with something,” said Johnny “Tuscon” O’Hara ’09, who has deputized himself for the cause. “It’s high time we clean the streets of Wesleyan Junction to make it safe for the women and children types.”
The student body, though, preferring to stay away from conservative and traditional (read: icky) modes of justice such as guns, swords, or gunswords, has resorted to the careful laying of traps utilizing multiple and indirect physical properties.
“Me and my friends were playing that board game, Mousetrap, you know, ironically at first, and then we were just like, ’this could totally work,’” said Kevin “Old El Paso” McDougal ’10, a physics major with a thirst for righteousness. Parameters have been set to target key high traffic areas, laying them with traditional mugger-bait such as wallets, iPods, and the stench of vulnerability. Locations such as Olin, Exley, and pretty much all of High Street will be riddled with marbles, staircases and ropes being triggered in succession to, after five minutes or so, launch a net at the muggers or dial 911.
“Yeah, we’re pretty stoked about all of this,” said O’Hara. “If this doesn’t work out, though, we’ll take inspiration from my other favorite game: Jenga. Those muggers will reach out for a cell phone, but that phone will actually be supporting a tower of blocks which will fall right on them. Unless they’re really good at Jenga. But I haven’t lost at Jenga to a mugger yet.