9:00 DARE Assembly

Do you know somebody who has been asked to do drugs or are you a drug that has been asked to be done? If so, do not attend this assembly. Congratulations, you’re cooler than the rest of your classmates. Go get high!

10:15 Scoliosis Examination

Get in line behind Teddy Nadfer (the fat one). It will be the first time you see boobies!

10:45 Gym

Play silent dodgeball. Stay alert and watch out for Charlie! Loud noises may spark Coach Demartin’s Vietnam flashbacks.

12:00 Lunch

Pick up a sloppy joe and enjoy the comedic stylings of 2nd grader, Rufus “The Dufus” McQueen. He’s got his finger to the pulse of the school’s gossip. Find out who’s retarded or who that slut is blowing. Watch out for the fart lighting! The cafetorium will be in an uproar!

1:20 Lice Check

Do you have lice? Don’t worry, it’s nothing to be embarassed about; even the best and brightest kids in college have lice!

2:15 Boner in Sweatpants

Davey Wavey will go into a sleep-like trance, only to awaken with a very visible bone penis.

9:00 Pappadopoulos on Piano

Listen to Nick Pappadopoulos ’08 delight the crowd with original compositions in his music honors thesis.