Today was President’s Day and I celebrated accordingly. To feel extra presidential, I hired Public Safety to set up video cameras and monitor me while I slept. The film, “The Science of Me Sleeping,” will be shown in my next class. Then, I freed myself up for the day (that oven will still be on tomorrow) and traveled to New York City. Before I left, I filled my wallet full of counterfeit $5 bills with my face on them (I’m the real 16th President).

I went to the Met to see what other so-called “geniuses” came up with over the past two thousand years. I know a lot about art because I have spent most of life studying it. When I was President of California I studied Manet and wrote a dissertation entitled “Manet Spelled Backwards is Ten AM.” My time at the Met was well spent, but sometimes I feel like the museum is sorely lacking. Where are all the dogs playing poker and sad clowns? I have quite a collection of those at home. I guess I’ll have to solve this problem, but not on my day. When I was leaving, one of the security guards got mad that I pulled a piece of wax from my ear and left it in an empty display case (I don’t understand why he got so angry, I assured him that I wasn’t going to charge him for that priceless piece).

At this point I was pretty hungry, so I decided to get some food. I saw a Burger King across the street and was tempted to walk in. I made it to the door and realized that rebelling against monarchies is what President’s Day is all about. So I quickly went to a McDonald’s and asked for a printed menu. I signed my name in big letters at the bottom and returned to Burger King. I got to the front of the line there and gave them the menu proclaiming, “Live Free or Die.” As I am so intolerant of tyranny, I walked next door to Stalin’s House of Pancakes, where I ordered a chicken caesar salad, a kaiser roll, and a Napoleon for dessert.

Unfortunately, all this excitement did not cause my hunger to subside. I decided to go home for the big party I had waiting for me at my house. It was supposed to be a who’s who of Presidential players from Washington and Hollywood. I invited Dennis Haysbert, Martin Sheen, and Simon Cowell. Oh, and have you heard of Brad Pitt? Yeah, me too! But none of them showed up. Maybe they felt awkward about being in the presence of my greatness. I mean, I did get a rating of a 720 for my credit report, which according to freecreditreport.com is great (they even put a smiley face next to the number). Nonetheless, the party was quite rousing. My wife and I watched my re-edited version of “The American President.” I cut out Michael Douglas and Annette Benning and replaced them with my wife and me (look for it on DVD and VHS).
– Love always, Mikey