Yesterday, I was lucky enough to run into America’s friendly presidential candidates at a Denny’s. It was just after the Iowa caucus and, after introducing myself, they were all nice enough to dish out some presidential perspectives on current film.
DD: Hi, I’m…
Presidential Candidates: (in unison) Hello worthy citizen!
DD: Uh…Hello. Could I get a brief review of each person’s favorite film of 2007?
Presidential Candidates: Oh hell yeah!
(At this point, the waiter approached with our drinks, but McCain noticed something suspicious about him.)
McCain: Hey, wait a consarned minute. Willard? Willard Mitt Romney? Is that you?
Waiter: Why, yes. ‘Tis I, Willard Mitt Romney, savior of the Salt Lake City Olympics, scion of the great Romneys, and defender of the sanctity of marriage in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts (heavens open above, angelic singing).
McCain: So what are you doing here?
Romney: Well, I ran out of money in my campaign, and Denny offered me a job here…at Denny’s.
(Small, dwarf-like creature appears from underneath the table)
Dennis Kucinich: Universal grand slam coverage for all! And free stilts!
DD: Well, okay. As long as you’re here Mr. Romney, what was your favorite film?
Romney: What? Oh, sure…sure…umm, “27 Dresses!” Get it?! 27 Wives! (He then started laughing so hard that he choked on a piece of ice, spilled his drink, and fell to the floor chuckling.)
DD: (looking at Huckabee) And what would you say your favorite film of this season would be?
Huckabee: Well I’m going to have to go with the “No Country for Old Men.” I just think it really speaks to people about the world we live in and the actions we can take to make human interaction a bit more…hospitable.
DD: Like being kind to one another?
Huckabee: God, no! We must work to secure our border. We need to say ixnay on migrationixmay, people like that “friendo” mofo. I don’t know, maybe its just the haircut, but I’m just saying, the border…we should close it.
Obama: I’ll give you a review, son.
DD: Gee, thanks.
Obama: I’d have to say that “There Will be Blood” is probably some of the best cinema I’ve seen in a long time. I really think that tales of power, redemption and loss are such touching, tragic examples of hubris in man. P.T. Anderson really used the form itself to turn the Promethean myth into something distinctly American. Truly great filmmaking, I’d say.
DD: Wow, that was insightful.
Obama: Thank you, I know. And it shows that white people are crazy. Nice to meet you, son.
McCain: (interrupting) Well, I just love me some “Cloverfield.” I’ve got to say, very realistic. Made me think I was back in ‘Nam. I mean, a swarming sea beast is surprisingly close to some of the things I saw out there. God, the realism of that movie. I just, I felt like I was a young man escaping through the Vietnamese underbrush again. And I haven’t done that in four years. You know, I think that’s the power of the movies. They just make you think you’re there. Of course, “Cloverfield” kind of overdid it. I almost took the cyanide capsule I keep lodged in my molar when I was startled awake from a light doze…but overall, very well done. I really liked it.
DD: Thanks!
McCain: No, thank you, bright future of the working class.
(Huckabee and Romney started harassing some of the men working in the kitchen about passports or something, and we were all asked to leave.)