Sheila Bloominfield is the Watson Crick Professor of the Physics of Biological Molecular Chemistry at Wesleyan University. She recently published her third book on the relationship between primate masturbatory habits in a post-globally warmed world and issues dealing with speicial identity entitled “You Are What You Beat.” She spent the last year on sabbatical in New Jersey studying the cultural affects on the misuse of the word “effect” in the Trenton Times-Picayune. A seasoned political consultant, she spent the last three years working closely with Dennis Kucinich, meticulously crafting his foreign policy platform in anticipation of his presidential run, and also trying to help him be taller. Additionally, she was born with with crippling Carpel-Thun3elll Disease, a bastardized cousin of carpell-tunnel syndrome, freezing her hands in a position as if she is waiting for someone to throw a football to her, or like she is imitating the Emperror from Star Wars as he electrocutes people.