Atonementos
Synopsis:
Do do do doooooo, do doooo, do waaaaaaaah!
It doesn’t matter what comes, fresh goes better in life,
Atonementos fresh and full of life!
Nothin gets to you, even rape or World War I,
Atonementos fresh and full of life!
Fresh goes better with Keira Knightley,
Fresh goes better with Atonementos, avoiding rape allegations!
Atonementos! The Freshmaker.
No Country for Grumpier Old Men
Starring: Jack Lemmon (John Gustafson), Max Goldman (Walter Matthau), Javier Bardem (Anton Chigurh)
Synopsis: After a Viagra deal gone wrong, bumbling buddies find $5,000,000 in limited edition John Wayne plates. Excited by the prospect of their plates and the massive amounts of Viagra, the two head to Florida to cash in on their metaphoric gold mine. However, Chigurh is very upset because he recently bought a pellet gun and needs some of American icon to shoot at. If that wasn’t enough, Gustafson is suffering from irritable bowel syndrome and Goldman has been spiking Lemmon’s drinks with Metamucil.
Jun(i)o(r)
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger (Alex Hesse), Ellen Page (Juno MacGuff), Michael Cera Character (Michael Cera)
Synopsis: A hilarious tale of a 60-year-old man fucking a 16-year-old girl! Thought that couldn’t be funny, didn’t you? Well, you obviously never made love to your great uncle in high school. In this heartwarming tale of inter-gender, inter-continental, inter-coursal intercourse, Dr. Alex Hesse (Schwarzenegger) is working at a convenience store to pay for plastic surgery to conceal the scars from the cesarean section needed to deliver his baby twelve years earlier. Bright-eyed quick-witted Juno strolls in to purchase some Mountain Dew, and pretty soon, after a discussion about early ’70s punk rock, immigration, and unplanned pregnancy, they’re Mountain Dew-ing it in the back room! However, when this taboo tryst leaves not one, not two, but BOTH of them pregnant, it’s going to take a lot more than just saying “hasta la vista, baby” to terminate these pregnancies!
Michael Jordan
Starring: George Clooney (Michael Jordan), Rick Fox (Everyone Else in the NBA), Frank Caliendo (Phil Jackson, Dean Smith, Michael Jordan’s Wife)
The little known story of one of the greatest cagers who ever lived. For this oft-ignored man from the backroads of North Carolina was not only a Double-A baseball player with a mind-boggling three career home runs, a breathtaking actor who bridged the gap between reality and animality with films like “Space Jam,” and an NBA executive who has led the Charlotte Bobcats out of the cellar into some sort of ante-cellar, halfway between a cellar and the rest of the house; nay, he also, on occasion, played basketball. And only George Clooney, the golden boy of the talkies, can bring such a harrowing tale to the silver screen.
Air Will Be Bud
Starring: Air Bud (Daniel Plainview), Budderball Bud/Bud-dha Bud (H.W. Plainview), Paul Dano (Eli Sunday, Paul Sunday)
Synopsis: We find our hero, Daniel Plainview (Bud), a prospecting pauper, at the dawn of the twentieth century, searching for gold in the deserts of California. However, upon striking oil deep beneath the San Andreas sands, Plainview and his son and business partner, H.W. (Bud/Bud), are racing up and down the California coast in their custom canine racecars. They run into a little trouble, though, when clairvoyant preacher Paul Sunday (Dano) declares that dogs shouldn’t race on Sundays.
Screenplay Excerpt:
[Plainview, along with the man he presumes is his brother, Garfield, voiced by Bill Murray, sit down for a meeting with two Standard Oil Executives]
Standard Oil Executive #1: Listen, Daniel, you’ve done fine here, quite well. And we’re willing to offer you four chewtoys, armistice from neutering, and one very long tummy rub if you agree to give over your oil wells and hand us the keys to that roadster of yours.
Plainview: What? What is this, a joke? Like that recent “Marmaduke” cartoon? That was a doozy! But this is ridiculous! Oil is my life! I am an oil man, a family man, and a race car man… I am also a dog.
Standard Oil Executive #2: Daniel, please, be reasonable! We’re making you a very generous offer. You could get out of this rat race, you could spend time with your son!
Plainview [hushed anger, tail wagging]: Don’t you tell me how to raise my family. Don’t you tell me how to raise my family.
Standard Oil Executive #2: Daniel, I’m sorry I’ve offended you. Please, Daniel.
Plainview [voice rising, humping executive’s leg]: You listen here and you listen good. One night, I’m going to come to your house, wherever you live, I’m going to come in through your doggie door, and I’m going to take a poop on your floor.