Hey, so, guys. Hey. This is Dan Cerruti. Now, as I’m sure all of our one or two regular readers know (hi, mom and dad!), I didn’t write for the Ampersand last semester. Rumors have been circulating that I’ve been abroad in some whacked out, shit hole country like Denmark, but that’s all nonsense, I tells ya, nonsense! And shenanigans!
No, dear readers, I was picketing. Like all the other craftsmen of the written word out there in the streets of LA, NYC, and CX3, I have taken to the streets like a shining Knight of Labor demanding my rights be heard. 1, 2, 3, 4, justice is at the door! 5, 6, 7, 8, you are stupid, I am great! Why am I writing this now, you ask? Are not my pasty and bespectacled comrades still marching with picket signs and whistles? Yes, they are, but I am here setting the record straight. People have just become accustomed to the writers being away, relying upon the causal entertainment brought by Flava Flav as he tries to whittle down 20 women to whoever may have the most teeth and fewest STDs. Well, you may think that functions writer dependent, but guess what? Who wrote Flav’s Viking helmet? My friend Jonah Bernstein, that’s who. Who wrote Deelishus (sp?) sweeping the finals? Michael Wasser. Who wrote in all the crazy of New York’s face? Erm, actually, that was all her. But point stands! I’m saying you people must remember. Writer’s tell you what is good and bad. We give you clues. If we write something to feature Larry the Cable Guy, we are telling you this is shit. You must believe us. Without us, you may have to make that decision on your own. And if left to do it on your own, you may actually think he’s talented. Such things cannot be left to pass! Me and my fellow members of the Wesleyan Good-looking-guys-who-write Association will not let these injustices continue. The WGA shall triumph! Wait, what? What do you mean that’s not what WGA stands for? I started that union last year! The Writers Guild? What the hell’s that? Some World of Warcraft thing? Oh. They’ve been striking, not my WGA. Um, well, I guess I was on strike, too. What do you mean I need to be an observed union to strike? Um, then good news! I find your terms agreeable. Let’s get to work! I’m fired? But, what about…aw, fuck you guys.