Saturday night’s great, right? Go to some parties, hang out with your friends, get in a car and drive around drunkenly yelling “dyke” at some people walking up Church Street? Awesome. Really great.

Here is a piece of useful information: most people don’t like it when people yell things at them out of car windows. And if you happen to walk around this campus (especially Church Street…what is it about Church Street?) looking female-bodied or queer or both, it seems to happen a lot.

Really, I just wish I could think fast enough to respond with something witty. But failing that, I wanted to take this opportunity to share what I might say. So next time you decide to yell something, as you drive off, please imagine me responding as follows.

There are three main categories of yells that I’ve observed. I’m sure there are others that I haven’t had the pleasure of experiencing, but not to worry, my Wesleyan career is still young.

1) “Dyke” or other homo-related epithet: Yes, correct, well-spoken, indeed. I’m a dyke. You know, I generally prefer to self-identify around that sort of thing, but if you’ve been so astute as to make the observation and want to let me know, that’s cool, go ahead and yell it at me, maybe I’ll learn something new.

2) “Can we go home with you?” Um, nope. So you saw me walking with my friend, or my girlfriend, or in a crowd of like eight people, and were so charmed that you thought you’d like to hang out with us. Well, maybe we could have been friends, but now that you have taken to yelling at me abrasively from a car our chances are probably shot.

3) “[Nondescript mumbling].” Sometimes this one is kind of fun because you get to try to figure out what they yelled. Maybe it was something charitable like, “Your shoe is untied.” Probably not though. So please, by all means enunciate! Take pride in the things you shout!

It doesn’t make me feel particularly flattered or attracted when people yell this stuff at me as they drive past. It also doesn’t make me feel particularly safe, especially when it is 1 a.m. and you are drunk and in a car and there are five of you and I am alone, or with one other person, on foot and trying to go home. And I think this is a pretty widely held opinion among people who have experienced this particular phenomenon. It’s not funny, and it’s not charming, and it would be really rad if you wouldn’t do it anymore. Thanks.