This past weekend, I was in the bathroom, and I was trying to read Martin Benjamin’s letter when by accident the newssheet slipped out of my hands and fell into the toilet. I was about to pick it up, but then on further review, I decided that’s exactly where it belongs.

I was going to try to write an editorial that actually critiques what this guy said, but first of all, I think the letter pretty much speaks for itself, and secondly, if you spend more then five minutes trying to constructively respond to his letter, then the terrorists have won. Instead, since he was gracious enough to pull some farts of wisdom out of his ass, I’ll do the same. Here are ten reasons why you shouldn’t listen to anything this guy says:

1.Martin Benjamin is a pervert. Here’s an excerpt from the letter taken only slightly out of context: “we need to acknowledge both the cause (Wesleyan’s ’really hot student body’) and the solution (cold showers).” This geezer’s from the class of ’57! If you think that’s not enough evidence, consider the fact that he also uses the words “wet kiss”, and “Wes” and “Sexy” in the same sentence. He even tries to entice poor Michael Roth into sin, inviting him to “get down and dirty with ’the lay of the land’”. We all know what’s on his filthy mind.

2. Martin Benjamin is an Anti-Semite. And I quote: “Let it be known right off the bat that any student who makes a pitch dissenting from your really cool idea will be sent to the showers.” Either this guy is giving props to a notorious solution to minority dissent, or…

3. …Martin Benjamin is OLD. When’s the last time you heard somebody reference “cold showers” as a threat? It must have been agony not being able to squeeze those Jimmy Carter jokes into this letter.

4. Martin Benjamin hates women. What’s this guy’s best example of the root of evil in our curriculum? Chicana Lesbian Literature.

5. Martin Benjamin is a cinefile poseur. “An Inconvenient Truth” is not a remake of Apocalypse Now. They’re not even based on the same book. Apocalypse Now was inspired by Joseph Conrad’s classic novel Heart of Darkness, while the film An Inconvenient Truth was actually based on the book of the same name by Al Gore. It’s possible that Mr. Benjamin has not seen a movie since 1967, in which case he should NOT be allowed to make references to films.

6. Martin Benjamin actually liked “Bigfoot” Bennet.

7. Martin Benjamin doesn’t care if 400,000 people die. This is because 1.8 million people will die if it “gets colder,” so global warming isn’t the worst-case scenario. Also, about 7 billion people will die if there’s no temperature at all (because then we’d be at absolute zero and we’d all freeze to death). Or, if we go by his logic, we shouldn’t worry about global warming because far more people would die if the giant cosmic cloud Galactus came and devoured our planet, thus rendering Earth uninhabitable.

8. Martin Benjamin hates poor people. This is just a conjecture. But I dare you to prove me wrong!

9. Martin Benjamin made me stay up late. I was going to go to bed, when I found his letter, and then I was compelled to write this editorial. This is important because it offers a personal, specific story (that of my sleep deprivation), to confirm the general evil that we all suspected from him all along. That’s all a little bit silly of course. You don’t need to ignore Mr. Benjamin based on the above. Nope, the REAL reason you should ignore anything Mr. Benjamin says, especially if you read the last paragraph of his letter, is:

10. Martin Benjamin went to Wesleyan.