While your parents were holding your hair back for you this past Homecoming Weekend, you may have noticed that Wesleyan has something of an alcohol problem… much in the way that Dumbledore has something of a hot pants problem. Last Friday’s Argus reported that Wesleyan is considering a ban on open containers of alcohol, kegs, and smiles. Also, at the first senior cocktails of the year, someone raped a puppy, or something along those lines. Thanks to some crack reporting/time travel by the Ampersand, we offer you a look into what Wesleyan will look like one year from now, when booze has gone the way of New Coke, OK Cola, and Diet Dr. Dodo.

Senior cocks at my house!
Brendan, Brian & Gelman