Dear Class of 2009,
We hope that you enjoyed the first senior mocktails event and thank those of you that have given us compliments for our effort. However, as many of you are aware the behavior of our class that night was unacceptable and all of us will feel the implications of such irresponsibility. We are not only referencing the lack of respect of your peers at the venue, but also the intolerable behavior exhibited towards the staff that helped facilitate the event.
To put it bluntly — and please excuse the crassness of the language — the shenangingans and tomfoolery on display the night of mocktails were simply flabbergasting. Firstly, the volume of conversations on the bus was simply and undeniably intolerable, prompting at least, AT LEAST, two threats by one bus driver to “turn this bus around and drive the whole damn thing off a cliff.” In addition, reports have surfaced of a possible wedgie on the bus, said to have reached atomic proportions. Not to be forgotten, it pains me to say, are the allegations of sass-talk lauded at the bus driver — sass that shan’t be repeated here — and even whisperings, dare I say, of possible razzing. Also, numerous calls were made to Public Safety claiming cases of the Willies, both of the wet and non-wet variety.
Perhaps the most consarninest piece of chicanery brought to our attention involved a physical assault on one bus driver, who also happened to be the head of the company, who also happened to be the bus company’s number one customer, who also happened to be a legless Korean War veteran, who also happened to be the greatest damn Pinewood Derby racer this side of the Mighty Mississipp, who also happened to be John Tesh’s cousin, who also happened to send a daily Sealed with a Kiss package to Darfur, who also happened to be the first gay man in space, who also happened to write Go Ask Alice, who also happened to be the man who suggested to a young John Thomas that he bill himself as “Johnathan Taylor Thomas,” thus skyrocketing the young heartthrob into the celebrity stratosphere. Apparently, some young whippersnapper thought it amusing to place superglue upon the seat of this heroic bus driver, forever adhering his buttocks to the seat. We’re pretty sure he’s still there. Actually, we should really get on that… especially because he doesn’t have any legs.
Additionally, considerable cleaning was needed to make sure these buses were ready to transport school children the next morning. For one, Twister mats were left festooned about the buses, with abandoned spinners twirling in the morning breeze. Unfinished games of Life were found in the back of the bus, with not a single player having been married or had children. Perhaps worst of all were the various Mad Libs strewn about the bus carriage with dirtier language than we care to repeat here: adjectives were used as adverbs, infinitives were split like a banana, and participles were left dangling. For Gosh’s sakes, children had to use this bus the next day. Have you learned nothing at Wesleyan? Has your major in Designated Driving with a minor in Capable of Operating Heavy Machinery taught your sober self nothing?!? What are your healthy livers for?!?
No matter how sober anyone was that night, this behavior is inexcusable, and has made hosting the next event impossible and impractical. As a result, we have cancelled the December event. Also, you’ve lost your O’Doul’s privileges. And if anyone tries to pass off Zima as seltzer water, no more open campus lunches for you.
Please know that the future of senior events, nay, the free world, is dependent on seniors behaving respectfully at additional events.
Sincerely,
Your Senior Class Officers