1) Bessie Schöenberg Dance Studio
-Scariest possible costume: tall white man with no rhythm, for example Arvydas Sabonis, Gheorghe Muresan, Detlef Schrempf (basically, any mid-1990s Eastern European NBA player).
-Candy they’ll be giving out: singles of Olivia Newton John’s “Let’s Get Physical,” leg-warmers, coupons for free dance lessons with Frank Stallone, a lot of really serious and important papers asserting that dance is a real major.
2) McConaughy Dining Hall (R.I.P.)
-Scariest possible costume: freshman… because they won’t know what the fuck you are! Mocon’s been dead… FOR FIVE MONTHS.
-Candy they’ll be giving out: really terrible hot dogs, circus peanuts, some sort of food that will make you shit uncontrollably twenty minutes after you leave, salad… from the second longest salad bar in Connecticut! Also, James, that guy with all the bling.
3) Alumni and Parent Relations House
-Scariest possible costume: A 35 year-old alumnus artist who lives in Brooklyn, sells blood for free sugar cookies, is covered in seven different types of lice, and will never be able to buy a ticket to a Michael Bay film.
-Candy they’ll be giving out: red and black licorice, red and black M&M’s, jumper cables, the wires in a time bomb, Ted Feldman’s other band Red Wire Black Wire, and aborted fetus sandwiches.
4) Rental Properties and Auxiliary Operations
-Scariest possible costume: an employed person, things that people own, a will and/or deed, an Edgeworth Box. Basically, anything possessed by someone will really give those old codgers a mild arrhythmia.
-Candy they’ll be giving out: Twix, Reese’s, M&M’s. However, all these candies will be given out on the contingent that you regurgitate them and return them to Rental Properties and Auxiliary Operations by 12:00 on November 1. Late fees will be assessed. Be sure to get the insurance.
5) Wasch Center for Retired Faculty
-Scariest possible costume: Robots… from the future! Old people think that robots want to steal their medicine and vote Democrat. Additionally, they think most robots are gay; a frightening concept for the elderly. Also, go as Death.
-Candy they’ll be giving out: Werther’s Originals, Buffalo Head nickels, Fixodent denture adhesive, Lipitor. P.S. Kids, don’t take Lipitor if you’re nursing or pregnant. We mean you, slutty.
6) Olin Memorial Library
-Scariest possible costume: Fantasia Barrino. Olin’s librarians would be shaking in their argyle if you strolled through the door dressed as this illiterate diva. Also, truth be told, Lewis Carroll is illiterate. This explains most of his work.
-Candy they’ll be giving out: bookmarks, reading lights, monocles, biphocles, triphocles, Smartees, carrots, apples, PCP.
7) Bayit
-Scariest possible costume: The Spanish Inquisition (I bet you thought we were going to go with the Holocaust, but nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition).
-Candy they’ll be giving out: pounds of flesh, various types of candles, checks for $18, and copies of Fiddler on the Roof.
8) Downey House
-Scariest possible costume: a person with Downey Syndrome. Wear a bicycle helmet, a pair of rainbow suspenders, velcro shoes. Watch What’s Eating Gilbert Grape and Forrest Gump to get a sense of the character.
-Candy they’ll be giving out: dunkaroos, box of chocolates, gilbert grapes, mittens, pennies, copy of Atlas Shrugged.
9) College of Letters
-Scariest possible costume: a number, pi, the Count from Sesame Street, Andre 3000, Three Six Mafia, R2-D2, C-3PO. Pretty much anything involving numbers will freak these kids out. Also, Mussolini.
-Candy they’ll be giving out: Nerds.
10) West College
-Scariest possible costume: a venture capitalist, bar of soap, parents, T-Rex (the scariest dinosaur of them all! Even hippies quiver in fear at the mere mention of the King of the Thunder Lizards).
-Candy they’ll be giving out: dirt, compost, anti-T-Rex candy.
11) Open House
-Scariest possible costume: Freddie Mercury, Rock Hudson, the guy who played the dad on The Brady Bunch, Pedro from The Real World: San Francisco.
-Candy they’ll be giving out: wallpaper, scented candles, copies of Whoopi Goldberg’s 1995 magnum opus Eddie.
The Cheapest Tricks to Play Anywhere on Campus:
I want you to want me, Surrender, the theme from That 70’s Show, The Flame, Gonna Raise Hell, Dream Police, Southern Girls, and many more!