In the most frightening occurrence of paranormal tomfoolery to strike this campus since Alpha Delt’s “My Neck-rophilia, My Back” Valentine’s Day party last February, Film Hall, located on the bottom floor of Nicholson Six, is purportedly being haunted by Ghost.

Various resident accounts have asserted what numerous paranormal experts have already confirmed: mainly, that the specter of the 1990 film Ghost is exacting some sort of beyond-the-grave revenge on Film Hall. Students report that, on several occasions, they have walked into their rooms to find the film playing on their television, despite it neither being a Saturday afternoon nor the television being turned to the CW, Bravo, or Lifetime.

“I came into my room last night, and there were just deformed clay pots lying everywhere,” said Shauna Bealse ’10, tears collecting in the frames of her horn-rimmed glasses. Suddenly, an ethereal mist with devastatingly sassy hips seized Bealse’s body: “I am such a cunt. Cunty cunt cunt. Ohmigod get out of my body! I didn’t really say that! I support the reinstitution of the feudal system. What the fuck Swayze, I’m not saying any of these things. Well, on second hand, the feudal system did do a lot for the landed gentry… but what the fuck!”

Other residents on Film Hall were less disturbed by the insidious paranormal happenings. “This is great! I haven’t seen this much Whoopi Goldberg since that 24-hour Eddie marathon on the MSG network! They aired it during Black Women’s History Month; you know, February 29th.”

Residents are hoping that the cinematic poltergeist disappears as fast as Demi Moore’s career. Oh snap!