[Ed. note: So Sascha says this is from the Amper Archives. We’re not sure what that means. Did it actually run two years ago? Did it get rejected back then and he’s just pushing old crap? Either way, the point is that he can get away with it because…he’s writing a thesis. Well, not really. He’s a film major. They don’t actually write theses. They just… well, see below.]

Some of you seniors probably haven’t started your theses yet. There’s almost a week before deadlines though, so there’s still time to whip up a little something using creativity (“brain magic”), elbow grease, and good old-fashioned American know-how. In case you’ve got thesis block, let me give you a little jump start:

Film: Subscribe to HBO. Find some movie and tape it. If you tape it on HBO, it will most likely have Steven Segal somewhere in it, squinting ferociously. If you missed the first ten minutes or so, it’s all right. Nothing ever happens then anyway. Find someone who can edit and put in your own credits. If you don’t know any editors, write your name on a piece of paper and record it somewhere into the beginning of the film. If you don’t have a piece of paper, write your name on the tape. If you don’t have a tape, just go to one of the film professors and tell them about the movie you would have made if you had had the time. Don’t be late.

Theatre: Those theatre people are crazy. They run around and yell and have crazy lights that shine on them and they cry on stage. So try crying on stage. That’s the sign of a good performance. If you can’t cry on command, get someone to hit you before you go on. Call it “Cry.” If you want to direct instead, tell all your actors to cry and yell. Oooh! If you have one actor yell and the other one cry because of it, that would be totally sweet. High Honors for sure. I wouldn’t see it, but I’d tell you that you did a good job anyway, if you asked. Spelling it theatre gets you big points for pretentiousness alone.

English: Like most language majors, you’ll probably be forced to do some kind of oral exam, so fluency in English is a plus, but if you just really haven’t had time, here are some pointers: The most common word in the English language is “the.” The most colloquial word is “jiggy.” Use both of these and they will be impressed (e.g. “Jiggy the jiggy,” or “The Jiggy Jiggy. The.”) If you speak with a British (“English”) accent, you’ll get honors because they’re smarter and speak gooder there.

Government: Chances are, if you’re a government major, you are either an idealist interested in going into politics and making a difference, or you play sports. If the latter is true, do well and win some games. If the former is true, join a sports team. If neither of these is true, write a short paper entitled “The whole Iraq war idea was really dumb.” You’ll get honors, because, boy was that Iraq war dumb.

Economics: Make money. Make Halliburton jokes. Halliburton is bad, right? I think it is. Ha. Stupid Halliburton. He smells like poop. I can’t make great jokes about Halliburton. I’m not an Econ major. That’s your job. Here’s a start: Halliburton walks into a bar… (I don’t know his first name. Or is Halliburton his first name?)

Biology: See chemistry.

Chemistry: Discover cancer or something. Whatever you do in science. I’m a writer, not a doctor. Ha. That’s like Bones, only reversed. And he never said writer. You remember Bones, don’t you? From Star Trek? Of course you do. You’re a Chemistry major. Another idea: Make a life-sized model of an atom or a Zinc or something. One of those periods from the table. Make it out of macaroni and glue. (Honors: do it with GLITTER!!!!!!)

Math: What are you DOING at this school?

Earth and Environmental Science: Do one of those little paper-maché volcanoes with the explosion that comes out the top. If you want to graduate with honors, use red food coloring. That way it’s like lava. It’s baking soda and something else. I won’t tell you what the other ingredient is. You have to do some of the work.

Astronomy: Discover new stars and planets. If you can’t discover any, either make stuff up, and swear that it was “just there a second ago,” or rename currently existing planets. Pluto would be a much better “Tomville.” Change Uranus, because it’s an old joke. Change it to “Halliburtonsmellslikepoop.” Look, I told you, I’m not an Econ major.

Dance: There is no such thing as a Dance major. But wouldn’t it be funny if there were?

COL: Write a book called “Ulysses Deux: Back in the Habit.” (Say the “deux” with a good nasal French accent.)

CSS: You will be dead by this time. Coming back from the dead is a neat trick. Worked for Jesus.

Psychology: Go to Mocon. Count how many people get ice cream. Say 94 do. Make a hypothesis, like “94 people will get ice cream.” You’re right! That’s step one. Step two is to make this significant. Connect it to something, like eating disorders. Finally, and most importantly, the process: Something like “I watched and counted people getting ice cream every day for three years, and ran out of points because I went to Mocon every meal and had to sell my kidney for more points (side note: kidney served next week at Mocon in a variety of sauces) and then discovered that there was ice cream at Weshop, too, so I had to scrap all the data and start over, covering UConn and Conn College as well to make up for the loss.” But really, it’s 94. Trust me.

Philosophy: Grow a ratty little goatee, drink espresso until 3 a.m., despair about life, repeat.

Sociology: Watch people. Say you notice lots of people wear pants. Say “pants are a product of society.” Demonstrate this to the class by pointing out that THEY wear pants, too. They will be shocked. For honors, don’t wear pants (this is true in a lot of majors, I hear) to the presentation, or you know, whenever. If you are a philosophy/sociology double major, say, “Products are products of society.” Then prove that you don’t exist.

Studio Art: Get a grant from the National Endowment from the Arts and use it to make a nine-hour video still life of wax fruit with atonal synthesizers and a French voice over. Spend the rest of the money on cheap red jug wine. Call it “My eyes are…”

Art History: Do a paper on the history of “My eyes are…”

Anthropology: Copy the sociology experiment, but make it more Anthrish.

Majors I’ve forgotten: Change your major, or just write a paper sprinkled with the following words: Dialectic, Conundrum, Loquacious, Irascible, Hubris, and Halliburton. Cuz it smells. [Editor’s note: Like poop.]

Disclaimer: This article has lots of Halliburton jokes. Actually, it has one joke over and over again. But then again, you probably know that by now because the disclaimer is at the end of the article. Oh well. I don’t feel like moving it. Besides, I’ve got ten minutes before class, and I think I’m going to do my thesis.