– Beginning of Time: As Eve is about to toss away the apple she’s holding, Delmar Crim appears, asking how the apple tastes. “Are you sure it’s okay? Can I get you a different apple? Perhaps a Granny Smith? Maybe some cinnamon?” Not wanting to hurt Crim’s feelings, Eve eats the apple. Henceforth, we are all fucked.

– 33: Jesus Christ is suspected of stealing massive amounts of fish after only paying for five sturgeon, yet somehow conjuring up five hundred in front of an adoring crowd. Delmar Crim, tired of being fucked with, points Christ out to Pontius Pilate, played by David Bowie. Crim later sold this story to God, making it really hard for Jews everywhere.

– 1922: In order to alleviate the effects of the scorching summer of ’22 on the Southern United States, Crim suggests creating two separate lines for water fountains. Crim chooses race, being the only distinguishable feature of the time, as a means for segregating people amongst the water fountains. Things go downhill from there.

– 1939: Despite repeated warnings to the contrary, Crim simply cannot resist pressing the shiny red “Holocaust Activation Button” in his Berlin apartment. Once again, this makes it really hard for Jews everywhere.

– 1998: While catering on the set of smash television hit “Full House,” a stuffed-nose Crim accidentally knocks his bottle of Sudafed into a batch of macaroni and cheese. Nine years and five rotted teeth later, Stephanie Tanner is finally off of crystal meth.

– 2001: Crim, managing an Arby’s at Logan International Airport in Boston, is asked by an airport security officer to take over his post for a few minutes while he uses the bathroom. Unfortunately, Crim, having stayed up late the night before watching “Nova,” falls asleep at the post, letting several suspicious looking characters onto American Airlines Flight 11 and United Airlines Flight 175. Later that afternoon, Delmar is heard to remark, “my b. Seriously though, ‘Nova’ is sweet!”

– 2007: Delmar Crim comes to Wesleyan as the resident district manager of Bon Appetit. Despite complaints from the student body, most of the problems are, in fact, not his fault. However, he is the reason you’re not getting laid.