Grilled Cheese ’11
I’ve been talking to a lot of people around this campus, and one thing gets brought up repeatedly: our representatives in student government are not delicious enough. Recently, the WSA has been described as “bland,” “flavorless” and “supremely uninteresting.” Well, I’m here to change all that. Grilled cheese brings a proven leader, both in administration as well as great taste. Who among us does not enjoy two slices of delicious cheddar cheese, encased by two crunchy slices of butter drenched bread? What other candidate dares to give you the most exhilarating taste experience of our time? You have been stricken with silence, as there is no other answer. Grilled cheese gives you what you want. Grilled cheese gives you what you NEED. There is but one true choice! A VOTE AGAINST THIS GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH IS A VOTE TO DAMN YOURSELF TO AN ETERNITY OF HELLFIRE AND AN ENDLESS CYCLE OF MISERY. PLEASE CHOOSE ACCORDINGLY.
Al Yankovic ’80
Inspired by Coolio’s “Gangsta’s Paradise”
As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain,
I take a look at my wife and realize she’s very plain.
But that’s just perfect for an Amish like me,
You know, I shun fancy things like electricity.
At 4:30 in the morning I’m milkin’ cows,
Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows… fool.
And I’ve been milkin’ and plowin’ so long that,
Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone.
I’m a man of the land, I’m into discipline,
Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin.
But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine,
Then tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1699.
The Pentagon ’01
Hello and welcome, Class of 2011! We have had six rough years but now we’re here at Wesleyan, where we can make a difference. Some of you probably come from very over-achieving families and are often overlooked. I know just how you feel.
As your representative, I will ensure that our class’s concerns are remembered, because so many of us are not. While we are on the subject of me, this reminds me of that time on September 11th when I got hit by a plane. A fucking plane hit me man! It doesn’t happen everyday, but apparently it happened a lot on September 11th. Let’s face it, if it happened on September 5th, it would be my face on those bumper stickers, my image on the cheeks of little children during parades. But no, an 11 looks like two towers. So I get the ole Spinderella while Salt n’ Pepa get all the glamour shots.
But screw that, I’m at college! And for someone like me with a giant five-acre orifice, college is going to be filled with fun!
Also, please write in “Field in Pennsylvania.”
A fourth grader ’20
Hi my name is Topher because I don’t like the name Christopher and I didn’t want Mrs. Teacher to call me Chris D.
Anyway, I’ve got a great resume and lots of qualifications. I’ve been elected line leader three years in a row and during my tenure we have never been late to art class and only late once to music (we had that handicapped child, Pedro, visiting the class and we had to wait for him in the handicapped elevator). Also, have you seen the star of the day chart? My stars are off the chart. Literally, they are on the wall.
If elected I promise:
-No homework on Fridays
-Open campus during lunch
-Longer recesses
-Free lunchables and milks
-I’ll serve Reese’s for breakfast
-I’l run a more juice for less money campaign against Mott’s
-I support tattle tale justice on the playgrounds
-I’ll buy the Magic School Bus and we will tour Freddy’s ear where I will plant a spider egg.
-And finally, we will bring down the corrupt hearing test industry. The reign of terror has lasted too long.
Bagel Bites ’92, P’10
Students of Wesleyan University, I posit you a question: what are the appropriate times that one eat pizza? You may think that the evening hours, perhaps between 6 and 10 p.m., were the best hours for the pizza consumption. FOOLS, ALL OF YOU, DASTARDLY, INFIDELIC FOOLS! What is this, the 12th century? Do you have the bubonic plague? Do you live in a tower and/or shire? Are incompetent political leaders appointed without the consent of the people solely because of their family heritage and political connections, believing that they were chosen by God to lead their nation into an ill-conceived war with people of a heathen religion? Bah! Pizza is no longer merely some novelty sauce bread to be cruelly confined to the late hours of the night. Nay, my friends, I say nay! Let there be pizza… in the morning! Pizza in the evening! Pizza; yes, even pizza at supper time! Assuming that “evening” and “supper time” are different hours for you, this is especially applicable.
How is this possible, you may ask? Sure, we have iPods on our phones, phones on our iPods, and women can vote. But pizza in the morning? Balderdash! But consider this: what if, rather than being placed upon moldy bread, pizza was on… A BAGEL! Yes, my friends, a bagel! Jewish hole bread! Pizza and bagels,the blending of Italy and Israel, all in one time-defying bite. Because, you see, when pizza is on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime. Even, dare I say, all the time. Seriously, though, don’t eat these shits all the time. It really isn’t healthy. You seen Flavor Flav? How do you think he got like that? Fuckers been eatin Bagel Bites straight since 1988. Well, also all those syphilitic women he’s slept with. But also Bagel Bites.
O.J. Simpson ’68
If I did it (became your WSA representative), I would bring The Juice to the campus community, specifically to all DKE and Beta ragers in need of mixers. As a former football player, actor, and published author, I am a real renaissance man, ready to bring your perspectives to the floor. If you need help with an SJB, I have plenty of courtroom experience. If you want to get around campus, forget the RIDE; we can cruise around (high-speed or at a regular pace) in my White Ford Bronco. If you need a helping hand, I’m ready to lend a bloody glove or two. I plan to kill the competition, not literally, of course. I’ll just rob them instead. Vote O.J. or die.
Jewey O’Heebface ’11
Hey, I know I look like a third of the student body at Wesleyan, but I’m way different. I love Woody Allen movies, the New York Yankees, and usuary. I’ve got the SBC in my pocket, I’m hella tight with the people at Shalom/Salaam, and a cabal of my elders control the fate of the world. Bottom line: I get elected, no school, like, ever. Why? There are like, five hundred Jewish holidays. Just say “Yom” and then cough up some phlegm, and you’ve got a holiday right there. I’ll make sure the film series is playing on Christmas; I’ll make a special “J-League” for intramural basketball; and I’ll finally build that wall between Traverse Square and Wesleyan… a Western Wall!!! (Not really). Also, I will embody every stereotype of my people, as years of self-deprecating humor and endless sarcasm have left me with no other option.
Andrew W.K. ‘Party!
I’m Andrew W.K.!!! Let’s get a party going!!! A national party!!! One that believes in higher social security benefits, stronger labor unions for the hard-working proletariat class, limiting the influence of foreign powers upon our nation’s economy, and PARTYING TILL YOU PUKE!!! Given the recent influx of fiduciary funds into the Wesleyan banktrust, I propose we invest these dollars into a high-yield, low-risk mutual fund. A mutual fund for PARTYING YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF!!! There are numerous ways in which to party. One may party softly, crunkadelically, at an uncomfortably loud volume, Mario, Boston Tea, and Whig. But, my friends, I say that, despite these appeasing alternatives, the only manner in which one can party is, in fact, hard. However, we will only be able to truly party hard once we control our Southern border. We are not trying to “fiesta dificil,” my compatriots. So let us get a party going. A party for me. A party for you. A party… for America. AND TITS!!!
Kanye West ‘N/A
Daaaaaaaaaamn, I know I shouldn’t. Nawwwwww, I couldn’t. Here’s my platform, I’m in rare form: Hot damn, I’ma steal money from Will-i-ams way I steal beats from Will-I-am. So this WSA shit, I tear up shit on a regular bay-sis, girl I’ma hit you like you like I hit little sis. Tsk tsk, girl you bad, the way Jay-Z say my flow so bad. I’m delusional like a politcian, so the DUB S A should let the Louis Vuitton Don in, cause I be fawnin. Increase the supply of hot dogs, even though West Co hoes only dig my hot dog. Hard like a red wood, dog, get the ladies salivating like Pavlov’s dog.