With an already overwhelming number of complaints regarding difficulties with the campus email system, which we all know as Squirrel Mail, the ITS department has recently handed in a petition to campus officials for a faster, airborn method of mail service entitled the WesPigeon. The WesPigeon is a new, organic breed of carrier pigeon developed by Wescientists that is part dove pigeon, part tofu for swifter flight and self-defense, because no animals can stomach tofu. It will be given sturdy nests built on the blue light booths surrounding campus where it can rest when it isn’t being called to pick up mail. Around its leg will be a small, electronic device which will send a frequency into the air leading the pigeon to the house where the mail is located. The pigeon will find it because pigeons are smart. The pigeon will be fed Wesquirrels to stay healthy enough for constant flight, and it will eat both black and grey Wesquirrels to continue the campus policy of affirmative action. Testing began last week with mainly positive feedback, although there some complaints from students saying that their homework was eaten by a Weshawk. This led to the teacher’s immediate disbelief in the student’s excuse, who was than WeSJB’ed. Also, the introduction of the Wespigeon has led to complaints from WeSunbathers on Foss Hill, who have claimed that the birds have been WeShitting all over their WeStomaches. Overall, the pigeons have been deemed a good addition to campus life, whereas others have called the whole idea “Really fucking WeStupid.”