Hi, my name is Dan and I love smoking pot, masturbating, and playing video games on a regular basis. Unfortunately, my pediatrician/urologist/mother have all told me that one of these horrible vices needs to end immediately, but if I stop smoking pot I wouldn’t be able to enjoy a cappella groups anymore and Soul Calibur III is the greatest creation since Thomas Edison’s brain. So, with the help of one lucky lady, I can finally stop masturbating and win new characters in Soul Calibur III, the greatest video game of all time.

Now, just because I’m highly uninvolved with this school and rarely do anything doesn’t mean I don’t have standards. In fact, there are several guidelines which you must meet in order to successfully jump on this stoner’s boner. First and foremost, you must be OK with my farts smelling like Lunchables because you’ll be hand-feeding them to me while I win new characters in the game God once described as “better than me.” Second of all, all sex must result from video “games”, for example, Strip Mario Kart. Every time one of us wins, the other person has to remove their clothes. Once one of us is naked, we have to jump on the other person’s boner. There will be no talking during sex since women are only good for making Lunchables and banging because they continue our species and it makes my father proud.

Also, I want you to be skinny and pussy-fart a lot so I can call you Lean Shaqueefa while I play SoulCal III, the missing chapter of the New Testament. This way, you can kill two birds with one stone(r). With a boner. After the sex and video games, you will watch “The Stepford Wives” over and over while I sleep and Dutch Oven you for hours upon end. After learning how to be a true woman, I’ll make millions of dollars writing and starring on a sitcom about a dysfunctional yet happy robot couple called “Terms of Engearment” and buy you everything you could possibly imagine.

You’ll also have to let me bang all of your more attractive friends, since I’ll be, like, the man and shit, but we’ll never tell the kids since they’ll probably have Autism from all the wildly drunken sex we’ll have during the third semester.

But yea, anyways, let me know if you like video games, girl.