Not enough can be said about this talented young man. A two-year varsity crew member, upstanding citizen, model student, and all-around good guy, Brian Studwell ’09 is an exemplary member of the Wesleyan community. A first boat participant last season, Brian has recently regained his seat on the top squad and hopes to contribute to the team’s quest for post-season honors. Congratulations Brian. You are the Cardinal Character.

Gnall: You were recently promoted to the first boat. How did it feel to have the opportunity to contribute to a decisive win over the hated Ephs of Williams?

Studwell: It’s a real privilege to have moved up to the one varsity boat, in particular for the Little Three Regatta. Our team’s been gearing up for that race for months now and there was a lot of honor riding on that finish. To be able to be a part of that win, well I believe my esteemed colleague Parker Cook [’10] put it best when he described some divine pleasure.

G: So your name is Brian Studwell. Who in your opinion, beside yourself, is the biggest stud on the team?

S: Biggest stud…biggest stud…between the two of them I’d say the Azoulay brothers deserve the title. While not impressive in stature, they could probably bed anyone with their deliciously suave French mannerisms and orgasm-inspiring accents. True story, my mom and sisters have a thing for them.

G: I’ve heard rumors that you are currently off the market. Could you comment on your availability for all the women and men out there who may be interested?

S: I’ve arranged daily visits from a vagrant with no gag reflex. It’s the most intimate relationship I’ve ever had and I’m content. While that was entirely a lie, I’m actually dating a ravishingly attractive girl a year older than me. Total score.

G: Crew guys have been known to go to extremes to streamline their bodies. What are some of your personal training secrets?

S: Aerodynamics are an important consideration for any speed sport, just ask any swimmer. Beyond wearing skintight spandex on the water, my words of advice are: warm water, Gillette (Original, be classy), negligible inhibitions, and an aftershave wash of clover honey.

G: How do your skills in the boat translate into your performance in the bedroom?

S: Crew races in the spring last approximately six minutes. In bed, once I’ve been doing the deed for three minutes the pain really starts to set in. My legs burn like you wouldn’t believe, my arms and back scream, and all I can hear is the coxswains voice in my head encouraging me to go harder and faster. Shortly after the six minute mark I collapse into a trembling ball of exhausted muscle. Then I vomit.

G: If you could be anybody at Wesleyan for a day, who would it be and why?

S: Anyone for 24 hours? Conor Veeneman [’09], because I want to know what it’s like to be that awesome.

G: Let’s address the obvious. You’re a good-looking man/boy. What are your personal grooming habits?

S: I ask my close friends to pick the grubs and larvae out of my coat every morning and, as recommended by the American Heart Association, I try to jump all nimbly-bimbly from tree to tree for at least an hour every day. Also, to anyone trying to put on lean muscle mass, I implore you to ignore the hype, don’t waste money on protein powders or creatine, stick to nature, drink catshakes. 100 percent organic cat, also high in selenium.

G: If you could pick anyone, living or dead, to be your wingman, who would it be?

S: My wingman pulled from the annals of history would be Chewbacca. I wouldn’t feel threatened by Chewy’s looks but I’d know he always had my back, and would probably be willing to ride the beast. Wookies are lonely.

G: Hair of the Dog or Gatekeeper? (Assuming you’re not in season)

S: Both. I’m not drawing party lines just yet, you trickster.

G: What advice do you have for those of us less proficient in the art of wooing a potential mate?

S: Try to “accidentally” lock yourself in enclosed spaces with the lucky lady you fancy. Closets, cars, and carrels all work well. I don’t know why they all start with C.

G: Back to the crew team. Crew requires a certain amount of self-obsession in regards to body maintenance and preparation. Who on the team do you consider the biggest narcissist?

Studwell: Let me preface this by saying that a vast majority of the team is not self-obsessed. Allow me to continue by saying there are a number of people whose hobbies include mirrors and sitting alone and flexing their legs. Now, there are two people that immediately come to mind. First, Tom Volgenau [’08], the iron man, the Tominator. Second, a friend who is unfortunately no longer with the crew team, but should be remembered for his singularly high opinion of himself, is Nate Caress [’08]. While Tom would actively voice his self-directed compliments, I believe that Nate had an even more impressive internal love.

G: How is the team preparing for the most crucial stretch of the season: an impending battle with top-ranked Trinity in the final dual-race of the season and the New England and ECAC championships?

S: We’re training in an under water spinning chamber with the gravity of 100 Saturns. We should be hauling ass by Saturday after the weaker ones die off.

G: Finally, what is your opinion of Parker Cook ’10?

S: Not enough can be said about Parker. Whether those things are good or bad is a question I’ll leave to the philosophers. Parker is dashing, charismatic, perpetually late, jelly-filled, dense, firm but gentle, scares you a little but still makes you feel safe, a man to bring home to Mom and a man who will bone Mom given the opportunity, a bitch, a lover, a saint, a mother, a user, an abuser, in the end just a loser. But the bottom line is this—Parker Cook is mad legit chill.