The University has announced massive cutbacks in the school budget in the wake of the announcement that Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band will be appearing at this year’s Spring Fling. No expense has been spared, as the budget for the date is estimated to be at least 1.5 million dollars, with reported expenses including glowsticks, a professional pyrotechnics crew, and an undisclosed amount in birth control. In place of the traditional Battle of the Bands winner being the opening act, noted rapper and marijuana enthusiast Snoop Dogg will open with his own set the preceding night to kick off the festivities.
To finance the bacchanal, cutbacks are being made in all departments. The Dance department will be eliminated, and a deal is expected to be announced in the coming days that the Freeman Athletic Center will be renamed the Stop & Shop Center. Also impressive was the fact that university lawyers were able to find a little-known loophole in Connecticut state liquor laws that will lower the drinking age to 18 on the Wesleyan campus for a 25-hour period, enabling the university to buy 20 kegs, as well as another 25 cases of Andre. Alumni of the past ten years are also being invited to participate in the festivities. In a statement, a university spokesperson said that “This is [President] Doug [Bennet]’s last year as president, and he wanted to leave the kids something, and he that that the students would like nothing better than a kick-ass, day-long concert and crazyfest.”
Student reaction to the expanded spring fling was extremely enthusiastic, with students firing guns into the air, setting off fireworks, and starting petty drunken fistfights in celebration. “PAR-TAYYY!” yelled Evan Burnside ’09. “This is the possibly the best decision in the history of ever. I’m going to start pregaming this a week in advance.”
Other students, though, were not as supportive of the decision. P. Jarvis Harrison ’08 was critical, saying “There is no reason on God’s green earth to spend this kind on money on a party, especially by an institution of higher learning.” Continued Harrison, “This decision will end up blowing up in everyone’s faces. The Maginot Line will look like one of the great successes of World War II compared to this disaster—” Harrison was then pelted with books and pens for being a huge nerd who hates fun.