Rumors have been flying about who is playing at Spring Fling this year, from Sisqo to Mr. T, but the truth has finally come out. I, on behalf of the entire Wesleyan community, am proud to announce this year’s main attraction, Project Pat, 1/6 of Three 6 Mafia.

You might ask yourself, “why not all 6/6? Or at least 4/6?” but there’s a larger plan at work here, one that will tear he roof off the sucka, so to speak. Not only is a fraction of this stellar hip-hop faction coming to perform, but also 2/5ths of Five for Fighting will be joining in the festivities, along with 1/82 of Blink 182. It has been suggested that 1/5 of 50 Cent, known as Lil’ Dime, would make the trip to Middletown, but speculation is rampant. Even the West coast rapper E-40 has put in his part, said to be sending a good 150% of his stage presence to lend to the show. And while that might not sound like a huge number, remember that the mathematical value E is equal 2.03×10-23. Therefore, sending 150% of 40 (That’s 60 to all you English majors) is absolutely necessary.

D-12 was not available for comment on their involvement, or on whether they would, in fact, appear as B-6 as rumored. One thing is for sure, the DJ of the event, in charge of mixing the many different musical styles in just the right ratios, will be one member of 2 many DJs. He promises to be just the right amount of DJ. With this combination of fraction-based talent, there is an 88.367% chance of them “rockin’ that shit”, with a negligible 12.7% chance of “weak sauce.” I, for one, am exponentially more excited than ever before. See you there!