Greetings, friends. This is Dan Cerruti here with another sleazy Ampersand article. The Ameprcrew decided that I, being the go-to guy for this sort of thing, should write a quick guide to picking up pre-frosh. Unfortunately, while the Ampercrew are a bunch of douchebags, they are sharp douchebags, and I do have some anecdotes and absurdities to share about picking pre-frosh for potential penetration. So, without further ado, it’s time to share exactly what it means to get some prospective booty from prospective students.

First, remember whom it is you’re dealing with. These are potential members of the class of ’11 and the heirs to our fine institution. Therefore, don’t screw around with the ugly ones. If you make it feel like they are welcome here, we’ll have uggos and fuggos running around here while some hotties are left out in the cold. Frankly, eye candy to and from classes helps make the day go by (Nutella and baby tears also help, but that’s neither here nor there), and I’d rather have that eye candy be something like Starburst, not those sticky old candies that you’re grandma keeps for you that she bought before the Civil War.

Second, they are high schoolers, which means in the scheme of life, they’re retarded. Use this to your advantage. College students know more esoteric academia and intellectual drivel than is at all necessary, but hot damn doesn’t it sound impressive? These high schoolers haven’t deconstructed shit, so drop some nonsense about Hegel or Nietzsche and your pants should be dropping soon afterwards. Philosophy and theory are the pheromones of the liberal arts wannabes (read: high schoolers), so use whatever you picked up in any class to its fullest and most bullshitty potential. You are a college student, which means you are more “mature” and “understand the world better” than those “immature high school boys.” Just because you may shotgun five beers at once and do coke out of a bong doesn’t mean they have to be made awares: keep the illusions alive.

Third, remember time and day. WesFest, through brilliant administrative slight-of-hand, occurs over 4/20. If you don’t know what that means, you’re an idiot. If you do know what the means, you know how difficult it is to work mojo or have your mojo work when everyone’s is ludicrously stoned. Smoke yourself stupid, but make sure you can recover so that you aren’t all useless downstairs. And be sure to give hotties some tokes. They’ll love you for it, but remember, if they get smoked retarded as well, then they’ll fall asleep on top of you and ask for ice cream. Not good. That shit’s four points at Weshop! So make sure they’re active but silly, because you never know how low some standards will sink when they think their legs are made of ghost cheese.

You may have noticed a heteronormawhatever bias in this article, as it sounds like it’s for straight boys. I am a straight boy (and an impeccably good-looking one at that, ladies), so I speak only from experience, however I can’t imagine it changes too much if you’re doing this from a queer standpoint. Sleazy and sketchy know no gender binary. As for ladies, though, why dip down into high school when there are perfectly good men who remain quite sexless (read: Ampersand writers besides me) who would love to grant you what you desire, so long as it’s unsatisfying intimacy?

So, party peoples, remember all that the resident go-to sleaze guy Dan has told you. If all else fails, and it probably will, try the 100% guaranteed patented Wesleyan pick up line: “Hey, baby, interested in going to a Big 10? I got a big 10 right here for you.” Works every time.