Michael Roth’s election as Wesleyan’s 16th president has sparked incredible controversy across campus. While noted for his “broad intellectual curiosity”, “great personal energy”, and “tiger-like reflexes”, Roth has captured the hearts and minds of students for his undeniable sexiness. “Even before we began the interview, I knew he was the one,” said Frances Ferkheim ’07, a member of the Presidential Search Committee. “One look at this head shot told me he was the one. Maybe it was his ocean blue eyes, or the wave of his hair, or his rippling pectoral muscles. I don’t know what ‘it’ is, but Roth has it.”

The student body couldn’t agree more. Maggie Tooltooth ’09 summed up her opinion of Roth succinctly: “I’d fuck him.” Her boyfriend was unfazed, instead adding, “Hey, I would too.” A recent Argus poll showed that 82% of students could see Roth as their significant other. Debate rages on the Anonymous Confession Board on whether Roth is as sexy as Wesleyan’s previous president and former Mr. Universe, Douglas Bennet.

“Sure, leadership abilities and intellectual ability were some of our goals when choosing the next president,” said Ferkheim, “But early on we [the Presidential Search Committee] agreed that Wesleyan University needed someone who defined sexy. Recent studies show that the attractiveness of a school’s president correlates with the number of student centers.” Roth, reluctant to comment, told the Argus, “I don’t want to say I got the job just because I’m sexy. But I am sexy. Very sexy.”