Recently, I sat down with incoming University president Michael Roth. I was drunk.

LKD: Hi. Would you like a beer?

MR: No, thank you.

LKD: You know, the first step is admitting that you’re an alcoholic.

MR: I am not an alcoholic.

LKD: Is your wife an alcoholic?

MR: No.

LKD: Your daughter?

MR: No. And she’s nine.

LKD: Eight years from now, if incoming college freshmen start hitting on her, will you resign as president?

MR: You know, I’ve never thought about that.

LKD: What happens if she falls for a Wesleyan guy who also has a hyphenated last name? Will your grandkids kids have last names like Weil-Roth-Key-Dick?

MR: I never really thought about that.

LKD: You should have.

MR: Okay…

LKD: Let’s talk about your wife. How’s her horse porn manuscript coming along?

MR: My wife isn’t working on a horse porn manuscript.

LKD: You’re a busy musician, David Lee Roth, so perhaps you haven’t heard. Your wife is working on a manuscript entitled “Horses, Gender and the Conquest of Animal Nature in Nineteenth-Century France.”

MR: That’s not about horse porn.

LKD: Let’s be honest here. It’s about horses who are confused about their gender getting involved in S&M in France during the 1800s.

MR: I assure you, it is not.

LKD: Still in denial.

MR: What newspaper did you say you’re from?

LKD: The school newspaper.

MR: Can you at least put on some pants?

LKD: No. Can you take off your pants?

MR: No.

LKD: When you become president, will you repeal the chalking ban?

MR: I’m not sure.

LKD: Did you know that the human body is made of 5200 bones?

MR: Yes.

LKD: Would you like another one?

MR: No. Is that all?

LKD: Is this all?

MR: Are you meaning to point at your crotch?

LKD: Aren’t I always?