Not to be outdone by any national political party (especially not the Republican Party), the WSA printed out an 86 page PowerPoint presentation concerning their goals for the future of Wesleyan University. Unfortunately, to the chagrin of the young liberals, their PowerPoint was also leaked to the public. I, being the hard nosed journalist that I am, obtained a copy of the said pages and have listed some of their more interesting goals below.
The real reason we have become so cautious about fire safety has nothing to do with keeping up with other schools in the U.S. News and World Reports. We just happened to get a gold plated Zippo lighter for Christmas.
Once the new president of the University is decided upon, it is imperative that we work with him closely, convince him that we are full of wisdom and tell him that a truly great president can walk off of Olin and fly like an eagle. Then, admit that we intentionally killed him only after we get the only president truly good enough for the University, the guy from the All State ads.
You know cancer? That was us.
Change the name of one of our members to William Stuart Anderson. That way, when telemarketers call for W.S.A. we ask, “Which one?”
Try to somehow get T.V. on the Radio back on television. In doing so, maybe they could replace a time slot of Everybody Loves Raymond, thus making syndicated episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond on only 22.5 hours a day.
The real reason we selected Bon Appétit as the new food provider was because of their ingenious ability to cut out the middle man. Now you can just order your food and immediately have diarrhea.
A movie will be made about the people that actually read the e-mails that we send out. It will be called “The Magnificent Seven.”
We told groups looking for financial support that we couldn’t give them much money because we were under budgetary constraints. This is true. However, it is not due to a lack of funding or donations. We are on budgetary constraints because we bet on the Wesleyan football team.
Encourage the Malcolm X House to change their name to the “Tiger Woods House.” That way everyone can enjoy it.
In the case of an emergency situation, we have hired the finest knights in England to protect us: Sir Elton John, Sir Paul McCartney, and Sir Mix-a-Lot.
See if we can replace all the Frisbees used by the Ultimate Frisbee Team with yarmulkes by saying, “It’s more ethnically diverse this way.”
The people who claim that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’s marriage will not last a lifetime will be proven wrong after we drive a RIDE van into them as they run to divorce court.
Never let anyone know that in 1882, when the assembly was first created, “W.S.A.” did not stand for “Wesleyan Student Assembly,” but “White Suburban Assholes.”