HJO: Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. I’ve waited so long for this. There were so many people who said I wouldn’t make it, but here I am. Seriously, though, after all these years, I’m back on top. I’ve finally made it back to the Oscars. Boy, I haven’t been here for four years.

Usher: -Haley, could you please finish your muttering and pass me the soap. Some of the other attendees who need to use the facilities are rather unnerved and need your assistance right now.

HJO: In a minute. Four years. How have I managed to become irrelevant? Oh, that’s right; the most important movie I’ve been in since 2000 was The Country Bears. I mean, I was the kid from The Sixth Sense, for God’s sake! I was on the A-list at age twelve! One of the industry’s brightest rising child stars! Michael Caine thanked me personally when he kicked my ass in the Best Supporting Actor category. I was an unstoppable force of nature, about to conquer Hollywood, as well as the international diamond trade! Now I do voice work for straight-to video Disney movies. I can’t even do blow with the fuckin’ Olsen Twins anymore. And I don’t even like doing blow, I do it just to be seen. Christ, look at me. I aged well, I’m well-adjusted, what more do you want? I mean, besides doing Reality TV. Fuck, I guess that’s all there is. I hate show business.

Usher: -Haley, you’re going to have to stop talking to the mirror if you want tips.

HJO: Do you even know who I am?

Usher: Yeah, I got you this job as a bathroom attendant at the Academy Awards.

HJO: Hey, you! Do you know who I am?

Some Guy:—eah, you’re that kid from Jerry Maguire, right?

HJO: Oh, Jesus. Don’t any of your fucks remember Pay It Forward? A.I. ? The Jungle Book 2?

*silence*

HJO: I’m the “I see dead people” kid! You HAVE to remember me.

Other Guy: Oh yeah. In retrospect, that movie kinda sucked. What have you done for me lately, kid?

HJO: I give up. I give up. I coulda been a contender, man, I coulda been a contender. (stomps off muttering like a crazy person)