While Tim Hardaway isn’t related to me, we do have the same last name, which has compelled me, to clarify my stance. You know I hate gay marionettes, so let it be known. They shouldn’t be in the world or in the United States or even in Nike commercials. It’s both unnatural and immoral for a walking, talking, wisecracking miniature marionette of NBA superstars to engage in that sort of lifestyle. How am I suppose to throw pool parties if marionettes are there talking about going on vacation to Li’l Fire Island, buying stuff at the Li’l Pottery Barn, visiting li’l vineyards and how cute Truman Capote was?

Furthermore, I don’t want those pinocchios in an ad campaign. They shouldn’t be in a dressin’ room or trailer with me. I’ll be changin’ with my naughty bits danglin’ out and he’ll be lookin’ at my Lil’ Penny! Like, say I’m tryin’ to spit game with Tyra Banks and he starts talkin’ about that cute mannequin in the Abercrombie and Fitch store window. Oh yeah, and the mannequin is a dude! I don’t need that! What I’m sayin’ is Li’l John Amaechi should be banned from all NBA advertisements. David Stern, could you do that for a brotha?

Anyway, Johnathan Lipnicki of Jerry Maguire fame is my BBF. We party all the time! We even started to write this screenplay where we go back in time to when we were culturally relevant and invest in some really safe mutual funds. Then our futures aren’t as depressin’. Spike Lee has signed on to direct. I really think we got something there. But if he ever told me he was gay? Forget it, we’d be through.

Who knows anyone, or anything, could be gay. What if the guy who puts Thompson’s Water Seal on me was gay? I don’t want that dude rubbin’ liquid all over my balsa wood. Even worse, what if the q-tips they use to clean my face was gay? I don’t make out with dudes. That thing touched my face! I could get a disease.