The following is a list of the fun, romantic, and occasionally attended activities offered by the City of Middletown this Valentine’s Day:
Major League Barber’s Valentine Fade:
Want to look fresh for that hot date tonight? Yeah, you do, or else you ain’t getting no play, sucka. So, act like you know. Come to MLB and get yourself a Valentine fade, where we shave a heart into the back of your head. Nothing says “Baby, you know those last bitches meant nothing” like putting a shape on your dome, and if you do, you’ll be getting some dome later. Act like you know, MLB.
Hair of the Dog’s Roofie Two-for-One:
Valentine’s day should be special between you and the ladies. If you want this night to be really special, you will incorporate as many of those ladies as possible. Swing by Hair of the Dog for special two-for-one roofie coladas and make sure that if you can’t get the quality, get the quantity. Carts provided as the case may be.
Traverse Square Secret Midnight Bonanza:
This event’s description has been kept secret from the program, however we can only assume that if you were to end up in Traverse Square at this hour that one should probably expect to wake up with a kidney missing in a ditch a couple minutes out of Bridgeport. Dress accordingly.
Destinta’s “Doin’-it-the-dark” Movie Package:
January and February are a time for shit movies, and we at Destinta know this. That’s why we’re offering for you and your sweetie a special movie package, complete with two movie tickets, a box of chocolates, and three condoms. You two will be left to your own devices (device rentals cost $15/hr.) and by all means, enjoy yourselves. It’s the only we’ll get people to see Smokin’ Aces, anyway.
Forbidden City’s Overpriced Megameal:
The ultimate in Middletown dating. Show ze you are the man by taking her to the most needlessly expensive meal this year. Complete with $20 General-Tso’s-esque chicken platter and a $40 glass of sparkling lemon water, ze’ll see you have the wallet to support ze on this day of romantic and financial celebration.
Free Clinic Sticker Day:
For those of you engaged in sexual intercourse and have contracted any STD, please come to clinic for treatment. Upon arrival, you will receive an “I’m Clean on this Valentine’s Day!” sticker.