Senator Joseph Biden, Jr.’s (D-DE) made headlines recently by going off on tangents about all of the leading Democratic candidates’ shortcomings, from Hillary’s electability and Edward’s Iraq plan, in what speculators are calling a marketing lead into his “Biden: Uncut and Uncensored: Gone Wild: Spring Break ’07” videos.

However, his remarks on Sen. Barack Obama have garnered some attention for their controversy, and frankly, I can understand. For those uninitiated, Biden is quoted as saying: “I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy…I mean, that’s a storybook, man.”

This kind of generalization shows nothing but ignorance towards previous African-American Democratic candidates. To call Obama the first of any of those adjectives is offensive for those of us of the USAADCDICHMA, or the United States African-American Democratic Candidate Dialect, Intelligence, Cleanliness, and Hotness Monitoring Association.

First, the issue of articulation. Obama certainly has a way with words and he certainly is not the only one with a way of speech. Need I remind the world of the tag-team linguistic dynamo that is Sharpton/Jackson? These two were a force to be reckoned with, it was just that their eloquence and articulation is so evolved that the average voter cannot understand them. They’re ahead of their time, sadly. But, yes, Sharpton does need to work on that hair if he wants to be Mr. February on the USAADCDICHMA calendar.

The thing that really gets me, though, is the lack of Carol Mosley Braun. That woman is a stone cold fox, and no one can deny it. In reference to her cleanliness, I can tell you that no one has smelled better in African American Democratic candidate history. I have complied a long list of candidate smells. From first hand experience I can tell you Jackson smelled of tires and tin, while Sharpton smelled of Tabasco and celery, which does put them beneath Obama’s smell of leatherbound books and antique mahogany. But I have never smelled a candidate quite like Braun (except Kucinich, but that was a dark hour and we don’t talk about that). She has the unmistakable aroma of chamomile, plum extract, and cherry blossoms. I think there was even a hint of ginger. She is most certainly clean, and good looking of the highest order. After smelling her, I suggested she work up her GMILF status on the campaign. Albeit I was forcibly removed by security after that, but still, she could win on that platform alone. Or at least model.Or call me. C’mon, Carol, how many messages do I have to leave, baby?

Joe Biden, for shame. You have neglected the great African American candidates before Obama for their contributions to the realms of democracy, liberty, and hygiene. For this, sir, I say stay in Delaware,where your state smells of burnt hair and untreated syphilis. You don’t talk smack about my woman!