An aborted fetus is quickly rising up the polls in the growing field of Republican Presidential candidates for 2008. The would-be Shane Bartram of Coral Gables, Florida, aborted by his mother in 1973 after her parents found out she had been impregnated by a University of Miami baseball player. After being tossed into a dumpster, a “magic lightning storm” vivified him. Stunned, Bartram began traveling the country to make sure that “the horror of abortion never is inflicted upon any other unborn child”. A known quantity among anti-abortion activists, he decided to run in order to represent “physically-undeveloped Americans” including a large cross section of late blooming middle school marching band members. Although they will not be able to vote until the 2016 election, and will be carded at the polls until 2052 election, he is happy for their support.
A limited-platform candidate, Bartram’s main positions include a constitutional amendment banning abortion, as well as a ban on birth control, outlawing terrorism, destroying all copies of “Cider House Rules”, and a ban on male masturbation if the sperm are not preserved (the middle school caucus is still split on this issue).
While still a long shot, recent polls in both Iowa and South Carolina now have the ambitious fetus placing an average of fourth in the polls behind Alan Keyes, but ahead of Dikembe Mutumbo and Lynard Skynard. While described as an “OK” speaker, his perpetually bloody body and just-shy-of-human features make him the most visually striking presidential candidate since the son of the Elephant Man made a dark horse run for the Populist Party nomination in 1896. Said Missy Appleby of Portsmouth, NH “I like what he has to say about right to life issues, but I don’t know if I could stomach a president who, on sight, makes me want to drive an ice pick right into both of my eyes.”
Some, however, are questioning the political bonafides of what would be America’s first unborn president. Bartram has no political experience, and even no work experience, outside of appearing at pro-life rallies, and posing for photos to go on flyers that will eventually be shoved in the face of scared 19-year-olds walking into Planned Parenthood. A source close to the Mitt Romney campaign said that aside from lacking political experience and being a single issue candidate, “He’s a goddamn fetus, for chrissake. I could take a dump right now, and it would look better than him. Jesus, I need to purge my insides just thinking about him.” Bartram responded quickly to the allegations, saying that “voters will choose [him] because he managed to survive the horrors of abortion. [His] nightmarish visage will have no effect on the decisions of the voters.“