D’Prell Kemp ’21, son of Seattle Sonics “Reign Man” Shawn Kemp, was elected WSA president in a landslide over Kevin Connors ’21 this week. Kemp ran on a platform of intense sex education for all students, as well as healthier meals from Campus Dining. “I know that not everyone here has the same experience I did,” said Kemp, whose famous father died in 2012 of a heart attack brought on by being a fat and lazy fuck living off his NBA pension, “but I think that the students responded to our ticket because they’re concerned about semi-wanted pregnancies, child support, and a well-rounded liberal arts education so you can easily change careers after you’re forced to retire at 35.”

D’Prell, the 8th of Kemp’s 16 children, said he got his ambition from his mother. “Dad was playing the Kings in Sacramento. Mom spotted him after the game and thought ‘If he knocks me up, we’re set for life,’ and she went out and did it. That’s where I get my ambition from, definitely.”

Antonio Johnson ’21, son of fellow legendary NBA lothario Larry Johnson and Kemp’s Vice Presidential running mate, felt that the students viewed their campaign as a wake-up call. “Before we ran, people was runnin’ around fuckin’ any damn thing with a pulse and titties, knawmean? But after they listened to D’Prell and me, they was like ‘Damn, I better wrap shit up or else I’ll be payin’ too much child support to make law school a feasible option.’”

Johnson said he wanted people to learn the lessons he did from his father. “LJ was the fuckin’ man, but he though he could get away every time. I’m tryin’ to get people to learn from his mistakes, knock some sense into their heads.” Responding to claims that his candidacy didn’t do enough to address LGBT issues, Kemp replied that he “love[s] every damn one on God’s green earth, but let’s get real here: Two dudes can’t knock each other up. That being said, they still need to make sure that they use rubbers and get tested at regular intervals.”