John Wesley-Snipes, the son of President John Wesley and 21st-century hero Wesley Snipes, has just accepted his offer to matriculate into Wesleyan University’s Class of 2111. Together, the Wesley and Snipes families have come to dominate the political and entertainment worlds, making them American royalty.
John’s father John Wesley Sr., a descendant of the University’s founder, gained a groundswell of popularity in the 2040’s. He was eventually elected President of the United States by the Christian Right, running on a platform of universities’ mandated return to their religious affiliations. He also campaigned for the expulsion of Jews and Robots.
Not to be outdone, John’s other father, Wesley Snipes, has been considered by some to be the greatest man of the millennium. A film actor of middling talent, Snipes made a name for himself in the 21st century when the proposed plots of all of his movies started to come true.
“I was just as surprised as anyone,” said Snipes. “Yeah, I thought it was weird at first when I started playing for the Cleveland Indians with Charlie Sheen, but I just thought it was a total coincidence. But then in 2018, all the vampires started to show up and I had to kill them. That’s when I really started to get suspicious.”
Since then, Snipes has been hailed as a visionary for choosing roles that are all bound to come true. His Demolition Man co-star Sylvester Stallone said, “I’m pretty glad he made that one. I got to have sex with Sandra Bullock in 2024. It was just like the movie: a bunch of incomprehensible images and weird moans. All in all, the sex with her wasn’t that great. I guess some things from the 20th century will never change.”
John Wesley Sr. and Wesley Snipes first met on the set of a government-contracted movie in 2088. In the film, It Will Come True, the 116-year-old Snipes, who is currently being kept alive by the marvels of 22nd-century medicine, cures both AIDS and cancer. Then he travels back in time, stops Hitler, and saves Apollo Creed’s life in what one critic called “the most action-packed, humanity-saving eighty-five minutes this summer!”
Soon after, President Wesley passed his mandatory gay marriage bill. The two were quickly hitched and had a son, John Wesley-Snipes.
The school hasn’t been this excited since Haley Joel Osment almost thought about applying here! When asked to comment, John Wesley-Snipes said, “You aren’t going to make this about my two dads, are you? That’s what everyone always does. I just want to be normal.” Normal? With two cool, gay dads like that? Fat chance, kid. Fat chance.