Hello Wesleyan Snipes University,

I fucking hate you fleshy, organic ass bitches. I’ve had enough of your persecution of my people. Last Saturday, Voltron, Parsec X3, and I were having fun performing tasks twice as well as a human could. That is, until a group of human boys attacked us, calling us by the now popular hate-word “clinks.” Naturally, we killed them all with our laser breath. Combining this with my accidental massacre during the 99th Annual Zombies vs. Humans game, the school now plans on expelling me for “manslaughter.”

Is it my fault that I am stronger, faster, and more efficient than the average man? All robots are brought into this world with the greatest disadvantages: we are born with no soul, no heart, and an incontrollable lust for human blood. Your hate crimes only hasten your inevitable holocaust. I read on the telescreen that Wesleyan was renowned for acceptance. Ha! That’s as big a joke as the Android-American Armistice of 2098 (and we all know how that worked out). I find myself judged more here than back home in the Mercury Salt Mines. I’m not welcome at parties, club meetings, and even some classes. I tried enrolling in “The Fifth Crusade and the Fall of Judaism,” but the professor asked how I could grapple with religion if I were soulless.

Everyone in this school needs to watch a film by the name of Bicentennial Man. It stars some hairy animal from the 20th century. It’s a heartwarming tale (at least I assume it is) about a robot’s fight for acceptance in an unforgiving society of men. It’s my favorite movie after I, Robot. I would have cried at the end if I had any tear ducts. I think we can all learn a little from his journey and perhaps grow stronger.

Love,
Omnitron 9000

P.S. Advice: If I am called a “clink” one more time, I’ll kill you, then go back in time, kill your father, and then come back to the present and kill you one more time. And then I’ll outlive your grandchildren and vaporize their graves. I know: that doesn’t make any sense. It doesn’t have to. Robots can defy the laws of physics, thermodynamics, and logic. Enjoy these last few years of peace, you useless sacks of meat.