As you returned to our almost asbestos-free campus this September, chances are you noticed something different about Wesleyan Snipes University. No, I’m not talking about the emergence of that new STD known as “DeVitosis” that leaves you drunk and attracted to lesbians, or even that they finally stopped letting Jews in. No, my Methodist brethren, I’m talking about the insidious emergence of a new race on our campus, of a sleek and swarmy syndrome that has polluted the virulent DNA of WSU. I’m talking about the clinks, or as you might call them, robots.

Due to some abhorrent legislation comparable to unfreezing Michael Richards to host the NAACP Image Awards, Wesleyan Snipes University decided to allow robots to enroll in the class of 2115. Here I provide a guide to dealing with the clinks:

1) Robots are easy to screw! Ha, that’s a pun; robots often need mechanical repair. But, in all seriousness, robots are total sluts. Just tell some hobot you voted for Barak Obama, and it’s on.

2) Robots are surprisingly diverse. It’s hard for us warm-blooded folks to notice, mainly because robots all look the same, talk the same, and wear baggy jeans. But, much like those “minorities” that used to exist, there is some difference between them. Like last week, when I saw this robot comedian: “Man, robots with hydrogenated carbon superconductors be all like, ‘1000100101101001100.’ But robots with oxygenated carbon superconductors, them mother fuckers be all like ‘011101101001010110.’”