Wesleyan students once again showed their activist side when several members of the Jewish community grew their own “toothbrush moustaches,” a style made infamous by Adolf Hitler. Joshua Goldensteinberg ’08, a prominent member of the Bayit program house and a regular at Shabbat services, started the movement.
“After seeing Charlie Chaplin’s Modern Times, I decided to grow my own toothbrush moustache, thinking it would increase my charisma score by +12,” said Goldensteinberg. “Much to my surprise, all the girls at my cousin’s Bar Mitzvah wouldn’t even approach me. I thought my comically large nose was the culprit, but it turns out it was just because I looked like the second-bloodiest dictator of the 20th century. It got me thinking: not only did this guy kill a lot of people, but he also killed this stylish little moustache. I wasn’t crazy about Hitler before I learned this, but now I really don’t like the guy. That rectangular patch of hair is really sexy, even on a man responsible for genocide.”
Goldensteinberg and other Jewish students decided to reclaim the moustache by parading their freshly cut facial hair around the campus center. “It’s been 60 years, people. Get over it,” announced Moses Rosenblatt ’09. “The toothbrush moustache has become very popular again in several countries, like Palestine and Iran. Why should they have all the fun?”
The movement is slowly growing, with some major public figures and celebrities growing their own toothbrush moustaches. Both Mel Gibson and Pope Benedict XVI have tried out the new style, with Gibson telling the press, “When they’re not starting wars and committing usury, those Jews sure know how to cut a great moustache. I love this style!” However, Goldensteinberg is not particularly happy with this development. “We’re not saying goys should go around flaunting their own box-shaped ‘staches. It’s a consolation prize for us. You could say this is our N-word.”
Wespeaks criticizing Goldensteinberg were then written by four students of color, who protested his analogy, but did agree that his moustache looked pretty cool.