– We’re the 9th most expensive American university. The highest-paid job on campus entails making phone calls to alumni and parents (mostly in vain) for contributions. The lowest paid jobs on campus go to those who actually uphold the school in a manner that helps attract endowments.

– Not only does New York have “The Rent is Too Damn High” party, but there’s a libertarian group known as the “Guns and Dope Party,” which advocates the replacement of one third of congress with ostriches. They probably believe in ostrich hunting. Ostriches will be in Congress. The libertarians will hunt Congresspeople. Dick Cheney likes to hunt. Dick Cheney will hunt members of Congress, mistaking them for ostriches. No, wait, but they are ostriches. No wait, I’m confused. What if people ran around hunting their Representatives? Would they stuff them for Thanksgiving? For Hanukkah? For Kwanza? For a post-Ramadan feast? For a non-vegetarian meeting of Vespers?