Thomas Miles, a prominent software tycoon from Oregon, is making a late push for Senate in his native state. Running as a moderate Republican, Miles is garnering national attention for his strident support of stem-cell research, health-care reform proposals, and promises that he hasn’t had hot gay sex with anyone under 18.
Miles, a graduate of Stanford and a Rhodes scholar, has galvanized a stratified Oregon population with his stirring energy, practical idealism, and promises that he hasn’t mouth-hugged a minor.
“America is at a crossroads,” said Miles at a recent stump speech in Portland. “I, in the great tradition of Robert Frost, choose to take the road less traveled… by not asking any 15 year-olds if they have gotten a hand job recently.”
Miles, 42, a practicing Christian man and married father of three, has struck a particular chord with the politically-estranged youth of his home state. Thankfully, that chord is the chord of political interest, and not the cord that connects a young male’s testicles to his penis and controls the flow of semen.
In a breath of fresh air to today’s often corrupt and dishonest political environment, Miles has promised to get the job done in Washington, a job involving neither blow nor hand. His candidness on issues like education, the War in Iraq, and dude-on-dude wankfests has sent ripples through the political community.
“I, er-um-ah, am flahbegahsted by the, er-um-ah, committed celibacy of this yahng do-goodah from, er-um-ah, Oregon,” remarked Sen. Edward Kennedy after slurping tequila off a stripper.
“Pssch, no sex with dudes? What a fuckin’ pussy,” commented Mark Foley.
“I think the fact that I haven’t mouthified the cockersteins of any nubile high school soccer players really sets me apart from my political peers,” commented Miles at a nursing home in Eugene. “I’m going to be honest: I’m not saying I don’t plan on yanker-spanking any Bar Mitzvah boys in the future, or that I don’t misappropriate funds to finance monthly visits to Vegas with my 26 year-old boyfriend, or that this one time I didn’t wake up next to a Mexican prostitute thinking he was 14 but then realized it was just my visual dyslexia. I’m saying I can point us in the right erection… I mean direction… young boy cock. Vote Miles.”