My fellow citizens of McDonaldland, I beg of you to reconsider voting for Mayor McCheese. Granted, his legal first name is “Mayor,” but that doesn’t mean he must be mayor. Just look at Cedric the Entertainer. I realize that most people continue to vote for McCheese because they confuse him with Ted Kennedy, but just look at all the terrible things McCheese has done.

Mayor McCheese displayed remarkable high-tech stupidity in building a salacious, Web-ready archive of lurid IMs to his mayoral pages. “Do you want to suck on my meat?” read one of the more printable come-ons to members of the Burger King Kids Club, whom the buns-slapping McCheese was sizing up among the innocents he used to further his campaign. He has laid bare the rank hypocrisy of his career as a moralizing “family-value meals” candidate.

Mayor McCheese’s involvement with the Burger King Kids Club began as an attempt to uplift the youth. “We need to end prejudice among the youngsters of McDonaldland,” McCheese said. “The Fry Kids of our town can learn from these blatantly stereotypical Burger King Kids. You have Lingo, so named for the fact that he is Hispanic and speaks no English; Wheels, named for his wheelchair; I.Q., a stereotypically smart male, wearing glasses and a pocket protector; and Kid Vid, a thin, blonde male of average height who is the obvious leader of the gang because he is an Aryan.”

But soon, Wheels complained that he thought he had been molested, but couldn’t tell for sure because he is paralyzed from the waist down. Guests at the Mayor’s house claim to have seen a scantily-clad Lingo cleaning the Mayor’s pool on numerous occasions. The only member to not file some sort of complaint was Boomer, the only female of the group. This may be because she’s a huge dyke.

The mixture of sexual predation and moral hypocrisy makes a potent McFlurry for voters preparing for the Nov. 7 election. The Fast Food Congress was already wheezing from serial back-room scandals personified by the corrupt super-lobbyist, Ronald McDonald and such allies as former Representative Dave Thomas of Wendy’s, now in prison after his uninhibited use of seagulls in chicken tenders; and Representative Birdie the Early Bird, a party embarrassment after pleading guilty to abetting the theft of the DQ Blizzard formula for the McFlurry. The corruption reached into KFC, too, with the Colonel, a ranking military officer, convicted for lying about his close ties with Jared from Subway. The laissez-faire, one-party control of McDonaldland has opened the door for old-fashioned nepotism to be thrown into the mix, with the disclosure that federal agents are investigating whether Representative Uncle O’Grimacey used his office to boost both the St. Patrick’s day green milkshake and his nephew Grimace’s political career.

This is why I implore all of you to vote for me today. I have a spotless record from serving as Chief of Police for the past thirty-five years. Since I have been in office, there are fewer Fry Kids on the street, Captain Crook is in jail, and I got Mac Tonight to kick his cocaine addiction. Finally, if elected, I promise to serve Mayor McCheese’s head on a silver platter.