Okay, kiddos, it’s that time again. Got your absentee ballots? Got your little cards? Informed about the candidates? So then let’s go vote!
“But wait,” you say, “I don’t know who I should vote for such that I may complete my role in this democratic system, and I want to give Dan Cerruti an incredible amount of free money and infinite cookies and my girlfriend.” Well, my wayward readers, fear no more! For in all of this red state/blue state partisan miasma, it is hard to remember all your options. This November, I suggest you look towards a lesser-known party.
After all, Wesleyan is supposed to Keep Weird!, so why would you want to replace Lieberman, the man Lyndon LaRouche calls “a Nazi worthy of hitting with a lead pipe,” with Lamont (or “Mr. Pussypants,” as he’s known around the office) when you could replace him with Chewbacca (running on the Totally Bitchin’ Nostalgic Reference Party ticket)? So, without further ado, here’s a list of some lesser-known parties worth a glance.
THE LIGHTENING PARTY. Representatives are kept secret until shit is officially stirred up; the party, however, is known for its solid “for-the-people” stance, calling for equal chalk distribution and allowing even the common man to make fun of them.
THE AMPERPARTY. Fronted by representatives _Nat_ (underscore is sign of political clout) and Gelman, this party stands on a platform of “mad bitchez” and “making you laugh the old fashioned way: with cock jokes.” Once won sheriff election in small district in Iowa, fell under marshal law one week later.
GREY PARTY. The party encouraging increased homogeny amongst college students. Encouraging policies such as “wussification” and “political-correctizing,” this party hopes to inflict enough guilt on the masses to create a bland population, free from offense and fun.
LET’S KILL SADDAM, BUT NOT LIKE REGULAR KILL HIM, BUT LIKE REALLY KILL HIM, FLASHY-STYLE PARTY. Party mission accomplished, now has become I Guess We Can Go Back To Osama Now Party.
FUCK YOUR FACE PARTY. A party led by Paul Gordi, a 13-year-old punk, whose mission statement, where grammatically correct, is something akin to “you don’t understand us, we hate you, fuck you, I’m going to my room to listen to AFI because I like to wear mascara and hate things.” Indeed, a vicious political foe if ever there was one.
SPATULA PARTY. Recently sweeping the WSA elections, Spatula decided to take his message of non-sticking and flipping of beef patties on the road and head to office. Voters are turning out in droves to give Spatula their vote, if only for the implicit comic value. His plan to achieve office mimics Schwarzenegger’s.
GOOP (GRAND OLE OPRY PARTY). A lot like the current GOP but with more southerners and fewer monocles.
TIMECUBE.COM: THE PARTY. Prepare to have your minds blown. “It’s _not immoral to kill Americans _who IGNORE their OPPOSITE _sex parents who Created them, _but instead worship a queer _jew who claims to make people _out of dirt – when the body is 90 _percent water. A God so stupid _that he claims only a single day _rotation of Earth.”