Two days ago, I was sentenced to death by hanging. For my last meal, I insisted on going to O’Rourke’s Diner in Middletown, CT, as that was where I once had a delicious omelet. In order to get to Middletown, I had to become a citizen of the United States, specifically Connecticut. Don’t ask how I got citizenship so quickly— I’ll just tell you. I sucked a dick.
Unfortunately, O’Rourke’s Diner was burned to the ground, like everything else that was wonderful about my life. But now that I am here, knowing that I am going to die all too soon, I’ve decided to finally fulfill my one true life goal – to be elected a United States Senator.
Until now, it never seemed possible. All my friends were like “I hate America this, I hate America that,” and I had a reputation to keep up. It was really hard knowing deep down inside I just wanted to be a part of this great nation, and to serve its beautiful people.
And so, my fellow citizens of the great state of Connecticut, I address you now, having been sentenced to death, as a man with nothing to lose— no reputation, no country, no friends, and most importantly, no future elections. I can finally say what I’ve always believed without the threat of losing power, because hey, I’m gonna get hanged.
These are my stances on the major issues:
Abortion: Come on, fellas, if you had an unwanted child growing inside you, wouldn’t you want the option of murdering it? I’m Pro-Choice.
Gays: They’re not Kurds, so whatever.
Gay Marriage: I can’t even remember how many wives I had, but let me tell you, I wouldn’t have minded having a dude around for variety. Go for it, gays!
Taxes: We Americans have so much money. Instead of buying little presents for ourselves, let’s pool it all together and spend it on a couple of big presents we can all share with each other!
Capital Punishment: Not cool.
Environment: Have you seen that flick “An Inconvenient Truth”? Heavy stuff.
Iraq War: In my opinion, we shouldn’t have started that crazy war in the first place, but I am confident that if elected, I could pull some strings, talk to some people, and all the terrorism would stop immediately. Don’t ask how, I’ll just tell you— I’ll suck a dick. Of a terrorist. My friend Omar, actually, he’ll do anything if you tickle him in the right places.
North Korea: I know Kim Jong Il personally. He’s crazy. He once challenged me to an arms race— winner gets to attack the other guy’s nation. I was like, “I don’t know, Kim, let’s just make it a gentlemen’s bet, eh?” Looks like he beat me to the punch. I owe ya one, Kim!
In closing, please write me into your ballots, because the other guys are politicians, and I’m just a guy who wants to do the right thing.
Love,
Saddam