Jeff Pike ’04, beloved alumnus and voice of oppressed straight white males everywhere, announced plans this past weekend for his own version of Take Back the Night, entitled Straight Back the White. SBtheDub will provide a safe space for the innumerable straight white males who have fallen prey to the sinful ways of licentious women, evil Sodomites, and Jews.

“I went over to my friend’s room last Saturday night for what I thought was good, clean, heterosexual fun,” recalled Sam Harper ’09, choking back tears. “But… but… he made me watch Will & Grace! It was so snarky! I think I got the gay!”