Recorded Voice: City and state, please.

Enraged Conservative: Middletown, Connecticut.

Operator: Middletown, how can I help you?

EC: Yeah, hi. I’d like the phone number for New World Laser Tag.

O: One moment, please… I have here A New World Laser Tag, 423 Main Street in Middletown.

EC: Okay. Ma’am, your utter lack of the proper skill set to do your job is wholly disheartening and friggin’ annoying. The fact that a phone operator, whose single responsibility is to listen to the eager requests of other people all day long, could possibly mistake the words “phone number” for the word “address” is one of the most confounding unsolved mysteries this side of Nancy Drew. Does Verizon have a phone number I could mail a letter to, suggesting that they hire more men? I mean, I’m not saying that all women are bad operators, but it seems abundantly clear that all the bad operators are women.

O: Sir, if you want the phone nu—

EC: You’re missing the core issue here! Verizon Wireless is hiring too many women, and paying them too much money! What do women need money for, anyways? Birthing hips are free! And how many people ever choose to press 2 and do it in Spanish? Nobody I know.

O: I’m sorry, sir, but I’m going to hang up now.

EC: Why are there only women operators anyway? I mean, frig! Is Verizon a phone service provider or a sex service and blow job provider? I am not attempting to claim that all black men are pimps. But it certainly does seem that nearly all pimps are James Earl Jones.

O: James Earl Jones is just a spokesper–

EC: Is your name Jessica?

O: No… what?

EC: Oh, nevermind. I had a girlfriend named Jessica once. She was an ignorant slut too, so I just assumed…

O: I’m tracing your call, asshole.

EC: Just try and find shit on me! I ain’t on the Facebook!!

Click.