We are aware that the members of your so-called “society” (if you could call it that; “ruthless cabal” would be better) have been distributing chalk to the students here at Wesleyan for the express purpose of writing on us, the sidewalks. I am here to say today that our membership will not stand for this.

The stated goal of our union is “to provide a smooth, safe, and enjoyable walk for pedestrians.” Notice how it says nothing about writing such things as “Chalk kicks ass” or “Wes is Wonderful” or “Everyone who writes for the Ampersand is hot.” This spate of chalking disappoints us, as it makes our recent campaign to rid ourselves of chalk all for naught.

How would you like it if we came into your room at 3:00 am and started writing all over your face? That wouldn’t exactly be a bowl of sunshine and puppy farts, would it? I would contend that the answer is no. Find somewhere else to draw your proclamations of youthful rebellion and giant penises. If not, we may be forced to take action— secret action. Let’s just say it involves a moose, Bob Newhart, copper wire, and a canoe. You have been warned, Wesleyan.