Students awoke to a pleasant surprise on October 19th when hundreds of chalk pieces were left outside dorm rooms. The culprits were the enigmatic Lightening Society, who hoped their self-proclaimed “Night of Lots of Chalk” would spur a chalking revolution among the student body. Unfortunately, the event was a bust. Most of the vandalism referenced the male reproductive organ and a light evening shower washed most of the chalk away. The Lightening Society— seeing little participation from their peers and foiled by a rival gang, the Raining Society— was not amused. They decided that chalk reform from the administration would require a little more force.

On October 20th, members of the Lightening Society were seen carrying in several bottles of nitroglycerin into their hidden lair. There were also reports of weapons smuggling. Rumors began to spread that the Lightening Society would be throwing the craziest motherfucking party of the year. Unfortunately, the truth was only that the members of the Lightening Society were crazy motherfuckers. At 6:00 p.m., the Society stormed Olin Library, demanding that the chalking ban be lifted or they would blow up the building. After President Bennet laughed it off as “another petty hippy protest,” the Lightening Society blew up Olin, killing forty students and a dog. They then created a barricade around the Campus Center, holding Midge Bennet held hostage and threatening a mass suicide if they did not regain their right to chalk. Bennet said that he would “not let those hippy bitches win this battle” and still refused to allow chalking on campus.

The morning of October 21nd, students awoke to a slightly less pleasant surprise when Midge Bennet’s fingers and toes were left outside dorm rooms. President Bennet began to consider that the secret society might be serious, and decided to negotiate terms with the rebel students. By this point, however, most of the Lightening Society’s members had gone insane, having set a bonfire inside their barricade and sacrificing a hecatomb to Zeus with Alpha Delta Phi members. The remaining sane Lightening Society members have now admitted that they went a little too far, announcing in a mass email, “Our bad, guys. Our bad.” Bennet accepted their apology, commenting, “Chalking is serious business. Wars have been fought for a lot less. World War Two, for instance.”