In the grand year of 1872, Wesleyan University began opening its doors to womenfolk like myself. This year, 1906, I boarded an aeroplane, care of Anachronistic Airlines, and arrived in Middletown in a new petticoat and dress. I had planned to live in a humbly furnished home with three lovely girls.

This was permitted despite the noble enactments of my Puritan ancestors, who supposed that such living arrangements constituted a brothel. Oh, what a horrid word! I sigh to think that I would have been safe if not for the new loop-holes included in Wesleyan tuition.

Male students have been given the option of forsaking their meals at Battlefields for a Prosti-tuition voucher, which entitles them to enter my house at any time of day, throw me against a cupboard, snatch my virtue like experienced thieves, and exit gruffly. In return, I am given a voucher that barely amounts to the price of two crumpets.

The campus has become divided over the vouchers. Women like myself launched the “Stop Wes-ploitation!” campaign, while our opposition feared they’d be “Bores without Whores.”

Oh, hark! My witch-radar tells me that women will be removed from Wesleyan in 1912. The administration will claim that the presence of women hinders the University’s competition with other schools, but I suppose that an increase in the male homosexuality rate will simply eliminate the need for females as sultry as I.