A most disturbing outbreak of thefts has the Wesleyan campus all a-gossip as we enter the lovely days of the New England autumn. As of printing, the amateur bi-cyclists of the Wesleyan Amateur Bi-Cyclists’ Club have completed 19 notices to the Office of Public Safety and Mulling Spices, reporting the theft of the large front wheels of their bi-cycles.
“It’s outrageous,” said bi-cyclist and student of economics Alexander Thistlewhaite ’08. “As you can no doubt imagine, a bi-cycle with only one wheel— a uni-cycle, if you will— is utterly useless to a gentleman’s mobility.”
Added bi-cyclist, foot-baller, and student of physics Halcyon Gordon Gorman ’09, “The troubles are compounded by the fact that a bi-cycle’s wheels are clearly not inter-changeable. Some rapscallions have proposed creating a bi-cycle that uses two wheel of identical size, but such a design is impossible for reasons too numerous to list here. I am a student of physics, and can therefore say this with certainty.”
David Q. Wiggin, chief of the Office of Public Safety and Mulling Spices, said that bi-cycle-wheel thefts are not unheard of. “Roustabouts and knaves have often targeted the gleaming, grand front wheel as objects upon which to exercise their kleptomaniacal urges,” said Wiggin. “We’ve not seen an outbreak of theft like this, however, since the Pom-Ade thefts of 1898.”
Wiggin was then fired for being Irish.
Uppity woman student Florence Gilbersham ’10 had a more specific theory regarding the thefts. “I have no doubt that if Communist Russia existed, we could blame it,” said Gilbersham. “Barring that eventuality, I believe that blame must fall squarely on the shoulders of an international consortium of Democrats, the Anti-Freemason Party, and the Irish.”
Added Gilbersham, “I would like all the gentlemen at the Most Eclectic Oddfellows’ Society’s Intercourse Waltz to know that I only permitted their untoward bosom-handling in the interest of advancing the cause of American Democracy through a breeding program in keeping with Mssr. Darwin’s ideals.”
The Office of Public Safety and Mulling Spices has released an all-campus circular describing the supects in their investigation of the thefts. The subjects are described as “large, Negroid males with sloping brows and heavy lips, wearing hooded capes emblazoned with the logos of various sporting clubs.”
They advise all students to be on the look-out for individuals fitting this description. They also advise the use of hilariously large locks.